Cary Umhau, a frequent participant in conferences and workshops through and a fellow in the , has recently published a spiritual memoir, . In this excerpt from the book, Cary writes about how an emotional conversation with a Psalm taught her about prayer. Read more about Burning Down the Fireproof Hotel , and check out two previous excerpts about and .
On a particular day a few years back, I had a problem. I have zero idea now what it was, and the details don鈥檛 matter anyway because it鈥檚 always something for us discontent humans, or for me anyway.
I felt sure that if I could just call a friend, then everything would be okay. She or he would say the right thing, comfort me, and my anxiety would dissipate in the magic of our connection. Deep down I realized that any one friend鈥檚 counsel would leave me needing more and that I鈥檇 end up banging on every door and dialing the phone number of everybody I knew.
In the midst of my apprehension I heard a little voice in my head suggesting that I didn鈥檛 need to call a friend; instead I should just pray. And I immediately got on my knees.
No, that鈥檚 a lie.
I decided instead that the ideal solution would be to go to the drugstore and buy and eat a lot of chocolate.
In two seconds I knew that that too was an inadequate plan.
And then Psalm 16 popped out of my head, right where I鈥檇 put it. Being a rule-following, legalistic sort of girl during those fireproof years, I鈥檇 been memorizing scripture somewhat regularly, a habit that served me well and helped me learn that it actually does have power.
I started sort of whining and talking all at once, using this psalm as counterpoint to my ramblings. I鈥檇 go back and forth in my head between what I was really feeling and what the psalm said was reality. I confess that I had this conversation in a moving vehicle, that there were not a few tears involved, and that I don鈥檛 know where I drove in the 20 minutes that passed.
I鈥檒l let you in on my conversation, the best I remember it:
God, help. Help, help, help, help. Now.
Okay, your word says, 鈥�Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.鈥�
I鈥檓 not safe; how can you say that, God? I鈥檓 paralyzed and shaky.
鈥�I said to the Lord, 鈥榊ou are my LORD; apart from you I have no good thing.鈥�鈥�
I don鈥檛 feel that way; I wonder if you鈥檙e even good. If I鈥檓 honest, I want everything else more than I want you today. You鈥檙e actually barely on my list.
鈥�As for the saints who are in the land; they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.鈥�
Yes, God, I do like your people .听.听. where are they all right now by the way? Why do I always feel so alone?
鈥�The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.鈥�
Yep, I鈥檓 running after friends and food like usual.
鈥�I will not take up their names on my lips nor pour out their libations of blood.鈥�
I don鈥檛 want to obsess over something besides you; help me stop.
鈥�Lord you have assigned my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.鈥�
I have to admit that in spite of my current problem, my life is pretty sweet. I鈥檓 not starving in a refugee camp; I live in freedom and safety. And beyond that, I have a good life .听.听. even if I can鈥檛 always feel it. I鈥檒l admit that. Grudgingly.
鈥�The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.鈥�
Okay, I do acknowledge that. To not do that would be really bratty because I do have everything I need鈥攁nd more. Even though I鈥檓 upset, this is all objectively true.
鈥�Surely I have a delightful inheritance.鈥�
I鈥檓 trying to remember, God, that the life I have with you鈥攐n my worst days鈥攖rumps everything else in my life including these current problems. I know that you delight in me, that you look at me and love me, and you don鈥檛 hold it against me that I鈥檓 having a rough time claiming all your promises and experiencing joy.
Honestly the thrill of life with you isn鈥檛 floating my boat right now, but I will acknowledge that sometimes it does.
鈥�I will praise the Lord who counsels me.鈥�
Who am I that you would talk to me personally? Is it really okay to rant and argue with you? You鈥檙e not going to strike me dead, are you?
鈥�Even at night my heart instructs me.鈥�
I realize I鈥檓 calming down a little, like I do after my husband comforts me when I wake him up to say I鈥檝e had a nightmare.
鈥�I have set the Lord always before me.鈥�
Well no, I haven鈥檛. Sorry I forget so often.
鈥�Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.鈥�
Without you I鈥檓 kind of antsy and broken; with you I do feel steadier.
鈥�Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices. My body also will rest secure.鈥�
God, I know my emotions will come around; my courage will come back. I鈥檒l calm down. My equilibrium isn鈥檛 gone forever. And I鈥檒l see my problem in perspective.
鈥�You will not abandon me to the grave; nor will you let your Holy One see decay.鈥�
I believe Jesus鈥� resurrection happened and that it applies to me. Pick me up from my own ash heap.
鈥�Lord, you have made known to me the path of life.鈥�
I want to be on that trajectory where dead things come back to life; I鈥檓 desperate for it in fact.
鈥�You fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.鈥�
I鈥檓 trying to remember to stick close. Help me. Thanks. Amen!
And with that 鈥淎men!鈥� I rolled into the driveway, wrung out though peaceful and with my issue settled. I鈥檇 moved鈥攁s the psalmist describes鈥攆rom being a 鈥渂rute beast鈥� to being a 鈥渨eaned child,鈥� something in me moving from chaotic to settled, from crazed to content.
Dan Allender, one of my favorite authors, wrote in that 鈥減rayer is wrestling with God until we surrender to his goodness.鈥�
I was waving my white flag.