In the wake of the recent attacks in Beirut and Lebanon, Content Coordinator Beau Denton began to ask around for聽resources that members of 天美视频 community had found encouraging or enlightening. You can read some of those responses, and Beau’s reflection, . In this post, , President of 天美视频, shares his reaction鈥攐ne marked by raw emotion and a sense of futility. Keith’s words capture the feelings of聽uncertainty, frustration, and despair that many of us feel moving into this season of Advent. In our upcoming Advent series, we plan聽to wrestle with those feelings as a community, wondering together what it means to hold to the hope of a Messiah in the midst of such turmoil. Please join us.
I know I should have something compassionate, sensitive, and wise to say, but, in honesty, I don鈥檛. My immediate emotional response was, 鈥淭his, again? Again!鈥�
I鈥檓 an educator, a pastor, a leader鈥擨 should have something reflective and thoughtful to say, but in this moment I do not. I heard someone say on the ferry yesterday, 鈥淚 just want them all dead.鈥� I didn鈥檛 feel that level of rage, but that was tested as I learned of training by ISIS to kill children. 鈥淭his again? Again?鈥�
What are we supposed to do when all we feel is futility and d茅j脿 vu in the worst possible sense? I said to someone, 鈥淚f you asked me what we ought to do, I would say, mount the largest army ever and go door to door and take them out, one by one if necessary.鈥� I guess you can sense that I don鈥檛 feel like being a peacemaker at the moment. I don鈥檛 feel like being the salt or light of the world right now. I only feel angry fatigue鈥攚e鈥檝e been here before. 鈥淭his again? Again?鈥�
I wrote in my journal the most honest, visceral response I felt. 鈥淥utrage, fatigue, futility. That鈥檚 all I have鈥攊t鈥檚 all I feel in the moment. Don鈥檛 ask me for compassion. Don鈥檛 tell me to love my enemy. Don鈥檛 call me to be a peacemaker. It鈥檚 not what I feel.鈥�
In those years I pastored churches, the Paris attacks would have given me a context for preaching about Advent. I would have shown that the violence in Bethlehem was repeated on the streets and in the theater and arena in Paris. I would have shown how we are the same, we human beings, as the powerful and violent soldiers of the king who sought out and slaughtered innocent children in order to crush a future rise of a competitive political leader who might be called Messiah. In my preaching days, I would struggle very hard to find a glimpse of that Messiah in the horrific violence, in the same region as the terrorists of ISIS. But this week, I only feel anger, fatigue, and futility.
Most of my adult life has been spent speaking sacred words to congregations of people numbering 40, 110, and 1,500. Those moments helped keep me grounded in the word in the midst of turmoil. And, now as president of a theological graduate school, what can I do when my emotions are irrational anger, fatigue, and futility? Well, I go to others who preach鈥攁nd Barbara Brown Taylor is my favorite: 鈥淐hurch is not a stopping place but a starting place for discerning God鈥檚 presence in the world.鈥� And I hear my own heart beating the question, 鈥淭his again? Again?鈥� Maybe, just possibly, at the end of the day, that鈥檚 what I get and it鈥檚 certainly all I can give.