Zach Brittle, a 2001 MA in Counseling graduate of 天美视频 and a Certified Gottman Therapist with more than 10 years of experience working with couples, has recently published a new book鈥�. We鈥檙e thrilled to offer the following excerpt from the book, which you can read more about . And don鈥檛 miss last week鈥檚 excerpt,
As you may remember from 鈥淎 is for Arguments,鈥� John Gottman鈥檚 research has revealed that about two-thirds of relationship problems are unsolvable. He calls these perpetual problems鈥攖he ones you鈥檒l probably still be fussing about five years from now even though you were fussing about them five years ago. One of my favorite questions for couples is whether that statistic is discouraging or encouraging. Think about that for a second. Does it bum you out that 69 percent of your issues are not going away? Or does it give you hope?
Most couples I know are frustrated to think that most of their problems are unsolvable. It鈥檚 hard to have the same battles over and over again. My personal bias, however, is that I鈥檓 glad to know that we鈥檙e normal. In my own marriage, for example, a recurring irritant is the fact that one of us is an extrovert鈥攍ife of the party, lights up a room, and all that鈥攁nd the other is an off-the-charts introvert. We still haven鈥檛 figured out how to make each other go to a party the right way, but it鈥檚 nice to know that we鈥檙e not alone in our fruitless efforts.
According to Dr. Gottman, the number one thing that couples fight about is nothing. I can vouch for this, too! This past weekend, my wife and I got into a heated argument over fruit flies. Seriously. Later, when our older daughter (age 11) was explaining the argument to her sister (age 7), she said, 鈥淚t鈥檚 never about the fruit flies.鈥� If she鈥檚 right (and she is), then what鈥檚 it really about?
I think it鈥檚 about perspective (bonus P-word). If you can accept that many of your problems aren鈥檛 going away, then you can focus on what to do about those issues when they come up. As a first step, quit trying to solve the problem. It鈥檚 wasted energy. Instead, focus on achieving perspective, empathy, and dialogue. It may help to think of the problem as a physical thing in the room, trying to distract and disgust you鈥攌ind of like fruit flies. That thing is designed to disrupt the comfort of the home with the accumulation of small annoyances that become an infestation. In the case of fruit flies, there are a bunch of home remedies (we use a glass of red wine covered with Saran wrap), but it鈥檚 always better to attack the breeding ground (usually a sink drain, just FYI). In your relationship, you can attack small annoyances every time they come up, but in order for those annoyances to fade completely, it鈥檚 critical to address the deeper problem. To do that, you have to work together.
That鈥檚 what dialogue is. It鈥檚 a conversation with one another鈥攔ather than at one another鈥攖hat is designed to reveal the deeper meaning of a particular conflict. Dr. Gottman refers to this as the 鈥渄ream within conflict.鈥� Whenever one or both partners鈥� dream or hope or aspiration for the relationship is ignored, problems arise. But when those dreams are revealed and understood and respected, it creates space for the relationship to become more meaningful than the problem.
When one or both partners’ dream for the relationship is ignored, problems arise.
Dr. Gottman suggests becoming a 鈥淒ream Detective.鈥� Try this exercise: think through some of your perpetual problems. See if you can recognize patterns within the conflicts that you鈥檝e been rehashing without progress. Next, make up a brief, new story that may explain your own dream or position within that particular conflict. What hidden meaning are you trying to express? Is it connected to something in your childhood? Is it rooted in anxiety or fear? Does it stem from a previous relationship expectation? Once you鈥檝e crafted your own narrative, try doing the same for your partner. Get curious about their dream or position. See if you can articulate what deeper meaning may exist for them. Try comparing notes after you鈥檝e both done the exercise and see if it doesn鈥檛 create new dialogue around an ancient issue. This process, called 鈥淥vercoming Gridlock,鈥� is one of Gottman鈥檚 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
It bears noting that we鈥檝e only addressed perpetual problems, which means we鈥檙e still left with another one-third of all problems. These qualify as 鈥渟olvable problems,鈥� and Dr. Gottman recommends, simply, that you solve them. There is, of course, a science and an art to this, and sometimes therapy should play a role, but identifying which problems you can solve and which require more patience is a great first step.
I鈥檒l let you guess which one of us is the life of the party and which one is the party-pooper. Suffice to say, we gave up trying to convert one another many years ago. Now we can go out with friends and each settle into our respective roles. We鈥檝e learned to accept and appreciate that we each get something different out of the same environment, and that鈥檚 okay. By choosing to appreciate our differences鈥攁nd our dreams鈥攚e鈥檝e been able to eliminate pointless fussing and more fully enjoy one another.
Discussion Questions:
- Do you think that about two-thirds of your conflicts are perpetual? Why do you think that?
- Think about some 鈥渟mall annoyances鈥� that have led to conflict in your relationship. What might be the underlying problem or problems?
- Are the problems from question two solvable or perpetual? How can you tell the difference?
- Complete the 鈥淒ream Detective鈥� exercise. What surprised you about your and/or your partner鈥檚 dreams for the relationship? How have these dreams been appreciated or ignored? What鈥檚 been the result?
- Think about a perpetual problem in your relationship. What might it look like to appreciate the differences at the root of the problem, without trying to change each other?