Zach Brittle, a 2001 MA in Counseling graduate of 天美视频 and a Certified Gottman Therapist with more than 10 years of experience working with couples, has recently published a new book鈥�. We鈥檙e thrilled to offer the following excerpt from the book, which you can read more about .
I fully intended this chapter to be about Integrity. The word gets thrown around a lot in conversations about good behavior, but I feel like that鈥檚 too preachy. Instead, I prefer to think of integrity the same way architects do: to mean whole, undivided, and sound in construction.
This would have been an easy direction to take, given that the Gottman Method features its own architectural metaphor in the 鈥淪ound Relationship House鈥� (SRH). The SRH derives its integrity from the twin pillars of trust and commitment. Without these, Dr. Gottman suggests, his 鈥淪even Principles for Making Marriage Work鈥� won鈥檛 work. I would have argued that it鈥檚 just as important for you to have personal integrity鈥攁 sound internal construction鈥攁s it is to have relationship integrity. But that started to sound too preachy.
So I turned my attention toward Intent. I love intent! Intentionality is essential to a healthy relationship because it proves that you aren鈥檛 interested in settling for the status quo鈥攜ou鈥檙e willing to work for greater intimacy and friendship. When intentionality fades, couples drift into that 鈥渟hips in the night鈥� stage. So when couples tell me they feel more like roommates than lovers (and I hear that often) I tell them to do something together. Anything. It doesn鈥檛 have to be therapy, but it helps. Maybe just pick up the Seven Principles book and try a few of the exercises. It doesn鈥檛 have to be a standing date night, but that helps. You could simply learn a new board game together. Commit to Spaghetti Sunday or Wine Wednesday or 鈥淢onday is Funday.鈥� Pick a show to binge watch together. It almost doesn鈥檛 matter what you do, just do it on purpose.
Thing is, that鈥檚 about all I have to say. I don鈥檛 need 750 words to talk about Intent. So, I considered writing about Infidelity, but then I鈥檇 need a lot more than 750 words. Intercourse. That鈥檚 a stretch. Individuation. Snore. Ignorance. It鈥檚 bliss. Check. In-laws. Another time. Ultimately, I was stuck for the right word heading into a family vacation to Disney World.
And then it hit me. Have you ever considered the power of Imagination?
Walt Disney did. And he discovered that power was limitless. The Disney parks are a testament to the idea that there is no such thing as no such thing. Talking mouse? Sure. Sleeping Beauty鈥檚 castle in southern California? Why not? Build a Walt Disney World in central Florida? You bet! Entire theses have been written about the Disney philosophy and business model, but I won鈥檛 attempt to explore those here. I鈥檒l just say that wandering around Walt Disney World, I was constantly in awe of the power of imagination. Often enough it was some detail or presentation at the parks themselves. Just as often it was the astonishment on my daughter鈥檚 face or the laughter in her voice. For just a few days we forgot that we were real people living in a real world. We were Treasured Guests at the Happiest Place on Earth.
I am, of course, a champion of trust and commitment in a marriage, and I believe they are critical to the integrity of a Sound Relationship House. That said, I think at least two other pillars are required. The first is Hope, which I won鈥檛 expand here except to say that a couple with even a grain of hope has a chance. The other is Imagination.
I believe, as Dr. Gottman suggests, that marriage is a creative endeavor. Whenever two people come together in a relationship, they are creating a brand new culture. Genesis, the first book of the Bible, says that in a marriage, two become one. That process certainly requires some creative math. The top floor of the SRH invites couples to create shared meaning. And all creative endeavors require imagination.
In a marriage, imagination is a willingness to believe that your relationship can be different from your parents鈥�, your friends鈥�, or even from your own relationship six years ago. Or six months ago. For engaged couples, it鈥檚 the active dreaming about what their relationship will become on the other side of the altar. For couples in distress, it鈥檚 a chosen conviction (or, Hope) that the relationship can be better than it ever was. For you, it might simply be 鈥淢onday is Funday.鈥�
In any case, you have to be willing to expand your thinking and to risk believing there is no such thing as no such thing. Your marriage can have integrity and intention through trust, commitment, hope, and imagination. Start today by planning that one thing you never thought you could, or would. Find a therapist. Go to a Magic Kingdom. Do something. Anything. Imagine the possibilities.
Discussion Questions:
- Do you agree that marriage is a creative endeavor? Why or why not?
- How have you and your partner been creative in your relationship? Can you see the benefits of taking creative risks together?
- How are 鈥淚ntention鈥� and 鈥淚magination鈥� connected? How do you think they both impact 鈥淚ntegrity鈥�?
- Think about your relationship one year from today. What do you want it to look like? How do you think you could get there? What are your partner鈥檚 dreams?
- Make a list of things you 鈥渘ever thought you could, or would鈥� plan. What stops you from planning these things? Is there anything you can commit to right now? If you were to commit to that one thing, how might your relationship benefit?