I鈥檓 writing this chapter in October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I appreciate that we as a country have devoted a month to such an important issue, although unfortunately I think it鈥檚 something we鈥檙e already quite aware of these days, even without the reminder. At the moment, there鈥檚 a powerful ad campaign for a nonprofit called , wherein television personalities and NFL players call for a stop to domestic violence. The ad features football players largely because multiple stories have recently surfaced about prominent athletes (in the NFL and beyond) accused and/or convicted of domestic violence. If you鈥檙e a therapist, you鈥檝e heard such stories in your office more often than you鈥檇 care to admit, and not just in October. Even if you鈥檙e not paying attention, you must know that domestic violence awareness isn鈥檛 important simply because the media says so.

It鈥檚 a tough topic. Not for the faint of heart. And I fear that, due to word-count constraints, I won鈥檛 be able to bring the proper gravitas to the experiences of the one in three American women who are abused each year. In the time it takes me to write this sentence, another woman will be assaulted or beaten in the U.S. Just typing those words makes me feel powerless, but not nearly as powerless as the 1.3 million women who will be assaulted by a partner this year.

The observant reader will note that I haven鈥檛 even scratched the surface with regard to violence perpetrated against women and children worldwide. You might also be inclined to remind me that 85 percent of adult domestic violence victims are women. I could, and maybe I should, dedicate 15 percent of my word count to the very real plight of abused men. But the point is that these statistics鈥攖hese stories鈥攁re tragic. And perhaps we鈥檙e not as powerless as we think.

As a therapist, I find the question of how to assess violence a tricky one. Research suggests that half of all couples seeking therapy have experienced violence in their relationship, whether they tell you or not. In some cases, when there鈥檚 violence in the relationship, therapy can do more harm than good. In any case, it is important to distinguish between violence and battery. In ,聽Dr. Anne Ganley defines battery as follows:

Battery is a form of abuse where the primary aggressor employs violence ranging from pushing to relationship rape to homicide, to enhance the aggressor鈥檚 control over their partner, leading the partner to modify their behaviors in daily life. It is meant to instill fear and intimidation.

When battery is present, couples therapy is inappropriate. Identify and provide appropriate referrals for your client(s). Battery is evidence of what Dr. Gottman calls Characterological Violence, where one partner clearly demonstrates controlling and dominating behavior. In this case, your client is in clear and immediate danger, and you have a responsibility to refer him or her to a treatment center, hotline, shelter, specialist, or the police. If you suspect battery is present but one or both partners are denying it, refer. If you鈥檙e not sure, refer. It鈥檚 irresponsible, unethical, and likely even illegal for you to begin couples therapy when Characterological Violence is present.

But what about when violence is more subtle鈥攚hat Dr. Gottman calls Situational Violence? Situational violence occurs most often with couples who lack conflict resolution skills. Generally both partners feel remorse, understand the impact, and internalize the blame. In this case, treatment for the couple prioritizes conflict management, with an emphasis on flooding and repair. The couple must also learn to recognize and rein in the (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) so that conflict does not escalate. Eventually the therapist should help the couple replace toxic conflict patterns with a deeper sense of friendship and shared meaning. I have intentionally not gone into detail here because my goal is not to train therapists as much as to raise awareness. Also, therapists aren鈥檛 necessarily my audience just now. If you are a therapist and do want to talk about this, my contact information is available . Please reach out to me.

Many of you reading this are wondering what to do about your own relationship. You may be wondering if there鈥檚 hope or help. There is. No doubt your community has resources available to you, and you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, 1-800-787-3224, or ). You may be wondering if what you鈥檙e experiencing is characterological or situational violence. If you鈥檙e not sure, I suspect it鈥檚 more severe. Domestic violence is never the victim鈥檚 fault. Seek help.

If you鈥檙e certain that you and your partner are simply bad at conflict, then get better at it. Remember that you are adults. You have a responsibility to behave like adults. When conflict escalates in your relationship:

• Self-Soothe When Flooded: This is the first step to conflict regulation. 鈥淔looding,鈥� in the Gottman lexicon, refers to that feeling of being completely emotionally overwhelmed during a conflict. It often comes with physical indicators. Do you feel shaky or lightheaded? Is your pulse racing, like 95 beats per minute or higher? If so, take a break. Try 10-15 deep breaths. Go for a walk. You simply cannot engage your partner in a meaningful way when you are flooded, so give yourself time to calm down.

• Identify your Common Enemy: Situational violence occurs when partners identify one another as the enemy. This is a bad strategy. You need to define your common enemy鈥攊n this case, it could be the violence itself. When negativity rises up, remember you have a responsibility (and literally, response-ability) to deny it access to your relationship. Identifying a common enemy helps you become more attuned to each other鈥檚 needs so that you can fight with, not against, one another.

• Practice Repair: Repair is any statement or action鈥攕illy or otherwise鈥攖hat prevents negativity from escalating out of control. It鈥檚 an advanced skill for couples, but skills can be learned. You鈥檝e heard the phrase, 鈥減ractice makes perfect鈥�? I actually disagree. Practice makes permanent. If you practice poor conflict management, it鈥檒l become permanent. Practicing repair shifts the balance away from the conflict and toward the couple. Get creative.

Whether you are a therapist or a client, a victim or an abuser, a running back or a goalkeeper, you can do something about domestic violence. It鈥檚 a solvable problem. It begins with awareness (thanks October) but it requires attention and action. Pay attention. Act. Ask for help. Respond.

You are not powerless.

Discussion Questions:

1. How might characterological violence look different from situational violence?
2. Do you agree that situational violence can respond to therapy, while characterological violence requires immediate removal from the situation? Why or why not?
3. Can you remember a time you felt 鈥渇looded鈥� during a conflict? How did you respond? What was the result?
4. If situational violence exists in your relationship, what techniques can you implement today to work toward better conflict resolution? If violence does not exist in your relationship, what skills can you sharpen to ensure it stays that way? (In either case, it may be helpful to reread 鈥淩 is for Repair.鈥�)
5. Think about a recent conflict you had with your partner. What do you think was the 鈥渃ommon enemy鈥� in that particular case? Did you identify it during the conflict? Why or why not?

The post The Relationship Alphabet: V is for Violence appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

As you may remember from 鈥淎 is for Arguments,鈥� John Gottman鈥檚 research has revealed that about two-thirds of relationship problems are unsolvable. He calls these perpetual problems鈥攖he ones you鈥檒l probably still be fussing about five years from now even though you were fussing about them five years ago. One of my favorite questions for couples is whether that statistic is discouraging or encouraging. Think about that for a second. Does it bum you out that 69 percent of your issues are not going away? Or does it give you hope?

Most couples I know are frustrated to think that most of their problems are unsolvable. It鈥檚 hard to have the same battles over and over again. My personal bias, however, is that I鈥檓 glad to know that we鈥檙e normal. In my own marriage, for example, a recurring irritant is the fact that one of us is an extrovert鈥攍ife of the party, lights up a room, and all that鈥攁nd the other is an off-the-charts introvert. We still haven鈥檛 figured out how to make each other go to a party the right way, but it鈥檚 nice to know that we鈥檙e not alone in our fruitless efforts.

According to Dr. Gottman, the number one thing that couples fight about is nothing. I can vouch for this, too! This past weekend, my wife and I got into a heated argument over fruit flies. Seriously. Later, when our older daughter (age 11) was explaining the argument to her sister (age 7), she said, 鈥淚t鈥檚 never about the fruit flies.鈥� If she鈥檚 right (and she is), then what鈥檚 it really about?

I think it鈥檚 about perspective (bonus P-word). If you can accept that many of your problems aren鈥檛 going away, then you can focus on what to do about those issues when they come up. As a first step, quit trying to solve the problem. It鈥檚 wasted energy. Instead, focus on achieving perspective, empathy, and dialogue. It may help to think of the problem as a physical thing in the room, trying to distract and disgust you鈥攌ind of like fruit flies. That thing is designed to disrupt the comfort of the home with the accumulation of small annoyances that become an infestation. In the case of fruit flies, there are a bunch of home remedies (we use a glass of red wine covered with Saran wrap), but it鈥檚 always better to attack the breeding ground (usually a sink drain, just FYI). In your relationship, you can attack small annoyances every time they come up, but in order for those annoyances to fade completely, it鈥檚 critical to address the deeper problem. To do that, you have to work together.

That鈥檚 what dialogue is. It鈥檚 a conversation with one another鈥攔ather than at one another鈥攖hat is designed to reveal the deeper meaning of a particular conflict. Dr. Gottman refers to this as the 鈥渄ream within conflict.鈥� Whenever one or both partners鈥� dream or hope or aspiration for the relationship is ignored, problems arise. But when those dreams are revealed and understood and respected, it creates space for the relationship to become more meaningful than the problem.

When one or both partners’ dream for the relationship is ignored, problems arise.

Dr. Gottman suggests becoming a 鈥淒ream Detective.鈥� Try this exercise: think through some of your perpetual problems. See if you can recognize patterns within the conflicts that you鈥檝e been rehashing without progress. Next, make up a brief, new story that may explain your own dream or position within that particular conflict. What hidden meaning are you trying to express? Is it connected to something in your childhood? Is it rooted in anxiety or fear? Does it stem from a previous relationship expectation? Once you鈥檝e crafted your own narrative, try doing the same for your partner. Get curious about their dream or position. See if you can articulate what deeper meaning may exist for them. Try comparing notes after you鈥檝e both done the exercise and see if it doesn鈥檛 create new dialogue around an ancient issue. This process, called 鈥淥vercoming Gridlock,鈥� is one of Gottman鈥檚 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

It bears noting that we鈥檝e only addressed perpetual problems, which means we鈥檙e still left with another one-third of all problems. These qualify as 鈥渟olvable problems,鈥� and Dr. Gottman recommends, simply, that you solve them. There is, of course, a science and an art to this, and sometimes therapy should play a role, but identifying which problems you can solve and which require more patience is a great first step.

I鈥檒l let you guess which one of us is the life of the party and which one is the party-pooper. Suffice to say, we gave up trying to convert one another many years ago. Now we can go out with friends and each settle into our respective roles. We鈥檝e learned to accept and appreciate that we each get something different out of the same environment, and that鈥檚 okay. By choosing to appreciate our differences鈥攁nd our dreams鈥攚e鈥檝e been able to eliminate pointless fussing and more fully enjoy one another.

Discussion Questions:

1. Do you think that about two-thirds of your conflicts are perpetual? Why do you think that?
2. Think about some 鈥渟mall annoyances鈥� that have led to conflict in your relationship. What might be the underlying problem or problems?
3. Are the problems from question two solvable or perpetual? How can you tell the difference?
4. Complete the 鈥淒ream Detective鈥� exercise. What surprised you about your and/or your partner鈥檚 dreams for the relationship? How have these dreams been appreciated or ignored? What鈥檚 been the result?
5. Think about a perpetual problem in your relationship. What might it look like to appreciate the differences at the root of the problem, without trying to change each other?

The post The Relationship Alphabet: P is for Problems appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

I fully intended this chapter to be about Integrity. The word gets thrown around a lot in conversations about good behavior, but I feel like that鈥檚 too preachy. Instead, I prefer to think of integrity the same way architects do: to mean whole, undivided, and sound in construction.

This would have been an easy direction to take, given that the Gottman Method features its own architectural metaphor in the 鈥淪ound Relationship House鈥� (SRH). The SRH derives its integrity from the twin pillars of trust and commitment. Without these, Dr. Gottman suggests, his 鈥淪even Principles for Making Marriage Work鈥� won鈥檛 work. I would have argued that it鈥檚 just as important for you to have personal integrity鈥攁 sound internal construction鈥攁s it is to have relationship integrity. But that started to sound too preachy.

So I turned my attention toward Intent. I love intent! Intentionality is essential to a healthy relationship because it proves that you aren鈥檛 interested in settling for the status quo鈥攜ou鈥檙e willing to work for greater intimacy and friendship. When intentionality fades, couples drift into that 鈥渟hips in the night鈥� stage. So when couples tell me they feel more like roommates than lovers (and I hear that often) I tell them to do something together. Anything. It doesn鈥檛 have to be therapy, but it helps. Maybe just pick up the Seven Principles book and try a few of the exercises. It doesn鈥檛 have to be a standing date night, but that helps. You could simply learn a new board game together. Commit to Spaghetti Sunday or Wine Wednesday or 鈥淢onday is Funday.鈥� Pick a show to binge watch together. It almost doesn鈥檛 matter what you do, just do it on purpose.

Thing is, that鈥檚 about all I have to say. I don鈥檛 need 750 words to talk about Intent. So, I considered writing about Infidelity, but then I鈥檇 need a lot more than 750 words. Intercourse. That鈥檚 a stretch. Individuation. Snore. Ignorance. It鈥檚 bliss. Check. In-laws. Another time. Ultimately, I was stuck for the right word heading into a family vacation to Disney World.

And then it hit me. Have you ever considered the power of Imagination?

Walt Disney did. And he discovered that power was limitless. The Disney parks are a testament to the idea that there is no such thing as no such thing. Talking mouse? Sure. Sleeping Beauty鈥檚 castle in southern California? Why not? Build a Walt Disney World in central Florida? You bet! Entire theses have been written about the Disney philosophy and business model, but I won鈥檛 attempt to explore those here. I鈥檒l just say that wandering around Walt Disney World, I was constantly in awe of the power of imagination. Often enough it was some detail or presentation at the parks themselves. Just as often it was the astonishment on my daughter鈥檚 face or the laughter in her voice. For just a few days we forgot that we were real people living in a real world. We were Treasured Guests at the Happiest Place on Earth.

I am, of course, a champion of trust and commitment in a marriage, and I believe they are critical to the integrity of a Sound Relationship House. That said, I think at least two other pillars are required. The first is Hope, which I won鈥檛 expand here except to say that a couple with even a grain of hope has a chance. The other is Imagination.

I believe, as Dr. Gottman suggests, that marriage is a creative endeavor. Whenever two people come together in a relationship, they are creating a brand new culture. Genesis, the first book of the Bible, says that in a marriage, two become one. That process certainly requires some creative math. The top floor of the SRH invites couples to create shared meaning. And all creative endeavors require imagination.

In a marriage, imagination is a willingness to believe that your relationship can be different from your parents鈥�, your friends鈥�, or even from your own relationship six years ago. Or six months ago. For engaged couples, it鈥檚 the active dreaming about what their relationship will become on the other side of the altar. For couples in distress, it鈥檚 a chosen conviction (or, Hope) that the relationship can be better than it ever was. For you, it might simply be 鈥淢onday is Funday.鈥�

In any case, you have to be willing to expand your thinking and to risk believing there is no such thing as no such thing. Your marriage can have integrity and intention through trust, commitment, hope, and imagination. Start today by planning that one thing you never thought you could, or would. Find a therapist. Go to a Magic Kingdom. Do something. Anything. Imagine the possibilities.

Discussion Questions:

1. Do you agree that marriage is a creative endeavor? Why or why not?
2. How have you and your partner been creative in your relationship? Can you see the benefits of taking creative risks together?
3. How are 鈥淚ntention鈥� and 鈥淚magination鈥� connected? How do you think they both impact 鈥淚ntegrity鈥�?
4. Think about your relationship one year from today. What do you want it to look like? How do you think you could get there? What are your partner鈥檚 dreams?
5. Make a list of things you 鈥渘ever thought you could, or would鈥� plan. What stops you from planning these things? Is there anything you can commit to right now? If you were to commit to that one thing, how might your relationship benefit?

The post The Relationship Alphabet: I is for Imagination appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.