Find out more about our Master of Divinity program.

Could you give us an overview of what you do?

My title is Director of Organizational Development for The Allender Center at 天美视频鈥攚hich, honestly, is really functioning like an Executive Pastor. I get to do leadership development for our staff at The Allender Center, creating consistent structures of communication, professional development, care, support. I鈥檓 also on faculty with The Allender Center, so I teach and work on the blog and podcast, as well as facilitating groups.

It鈥檚 interesting that all of those things鈥攆rom the relational to the technical to the administrative鈥攐ften fall under the role of pastor, too. Which raises another question: What does it mean to be a pastor?

I often joke that being a good pastor is just like being a good parent, but specifically in the realms of spiritual formation and identity development. When I think about a pastor, I think about someone who tells stories that help people locate themselves in a larger story. Both individually鈥斺�淲ho is God, and who are you?鈥� and collectively鈥斺�淲here have we come from, where are we now, where are we going?鈥� I think it鈥檚 about providing good care.

I often say that, vocationally and in my calling, I鈥檓 a pastor by orientation. I find that whether I鈥檓 working in a tea shop and serving people crepes and loose leaf tea, or working on an admissions team recruiting students to a graduate program.

I鈥檓 guessing the tea shop鈥檚 not hypothetical.

No, I worked at a loose leaf tea shop the year after I graduated from 天美视频.

Was there a period of finding it hard to identify as a pastor, since you weren鈥檛 in the traditional paid staff position at a church?

Two moments come to mind. First, I did not come to graduate school to become a pastor, even though I came to pursue an MDiv. I came from a tradition where women couldn鈥檛 be pastors, so I didn鈥檛 have much imagination for myself as a pastor. I came to 天美视频 because I thought I would be a professor. I knew I would do ministry, but I would maybe just do ministry through the academy. Then during my third year, Paul Steinke named me as a pastor. There was something about someone actually naming me pastor, inviting me to see that as part of my identity, that was really powerful.

And then, during our formational years at The Allender Center, there were some moments where we were in the midst of a lot of spiritual warfare and a lot of despair. I remember Dan was introducing me before the large group to teach, and he said, 鈥淩achael really is the pastor of The Allender Center.鈥� And as he said that, there was something that felt really true to me about that. It鈥檚 not a way I would necessarily have seen myself, but it was a way I was bringing myself in the midst of our team, calling us to remember who we are and who we鈥檙e called to be. So I felt like the unofficial pastor of The Allender Center, and then there鈥檚 the question of, what does it mean to be the pastor of a nonprofit? Is that sacrilegious?

It seems like there are layers: Something was going on inside you regarding your own identity and calling, but something else happens when others see that and name it. Why do you think that outward affirmation is so meaningful?

I think there鈥檚 something about anointing that is really important. We see that throughout the text, right? It鈥檚 something we鈥檙e meant for and made for: to have others bless aspects of our calling and identity and vocation. I think it鈥檚 why something like an ordination process holds so much meaning in the Church. There鈥檚 a way of anointing, honoring, and consecrating鈥攕etting apart a role. Though I think, at times in our culture, that setting apart means the role is elevated in a way that some people who have the esteem of pastor really abuse that power, and it creates this false dichotomy that people who are pastors or leaders in a ministry are actually doing ministry, not everyone else. That鈥檚 a really weak, thin theology, a really weak, thin missiology, a really weak, thin sense of what the Church actually is and how it functions.

This process of recognizing your pastoral gifting and embracing that and naming it true鈥攈ow has that journey clarified or refined how you understand calling?

I don鈥檛 see calling as being just connected to vocation. It鈥檚 far more expansive than that. It鈥檚 that sense of knowing that, no matter what I鈥檓 doing, it鈥檚 okay to bring these parts of myself.

And there is some mythology that calling is static, when I actually think it鈥檚 something that develops and grows and shifts. I think it does stay pretty consistent in its rootedness, but the fruit it bears can change in different seasons. So we always need to be growing and learning and have a posture of curiosity and a willingness to surrender to formational processes.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 see calling as being just connected to vocation. It鈥檚 far more expansive than that.鈥�

What would you say to somebody else who is recognizing aspects of their calling as a pastor, but also recognizing that it might come out in an unconventional context?

The more we know who we are, then we can make better decisions about where we want to give those parts of ourselves. Calling, again, is about more than vocation. Calling is about union, calling is about love鈥攊t鈥檚 always about love. So what are the really unique ways that you are equipped and gifted to love people and communities well? For some people, that will look like very traditional roles that have really clear boundaries, really clear definitions, and there鈥檚 nothing wrong with that. For others, it might mean you meander a bit, because there are certain skills you need to develop that go along with that calling. Some people might look at it and go, 鈥淥h, this is a real deviation from your calling,鈥� and I would say, 鈥淣o, I actually think it was preparing me to be more fully equipped for my calling.鈥�

So I would tell people, especially those who will find themselves in more unconventional spaces, we need healers and pastors and artists and therapists working in lots of different contexts. And it may not always look like the textbook. That doesn鈥檛 mean you鈥檙e not being faithful to live out your calling well.

Part of what we鈥檙e exploring is inspired by Barbara Brown Taylor鈥檚 language of your 鈥渁ltar in the world,鈥� and the idea that our work in the world is a form of worship. Do you want to say anything about that?

Oh, I really like that. I was just reading , and I love Paul鈥檚 language of living faithfully to what you鈥檝e been gifted鈥攁nd that鈥檚 going to look different for each person in different seasons, based on different giftings鈥攋ust be faithful to bring those gifts to the world in such a way that it is like a living sacrifice. I think we鈥檙e really scared of that word, sacrifice. And rightfully so鈥攖here鈥檚 been some theological and spiritual abuse that has used a word like sacrifice to maintain oppressive structures of power that are actually anti-Gospel. However, when we give of ourselves in a way that actually leads unto life, I think that鈥檚 that living sacrifice that Paul calls us to.

Learn more about our Master of Divinity program and how you can pursue your unique calling.

The post Unconventional Pastor: An Interview with Rachael Clinton appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

I haven鈥檛 been sleeping well lately. I can鈥檛 seem to make it through the night without some strange dream clawing at my psyche.

I climb out of bed and try to settle myself again with a book or an hour of scrolling through Instagram. I know that it doesn鈥檛 really help, but it comforts me.

Sometimes I can hear my daughter shifting in her room, a sleepy momma slipping from beneath her door. She can sense me, my little werewolf, I joke to myself. Her favorite book to pull from my shelf is . I haven鈥檛 read it yet; I bought it years ago because someone said it reminded them of me. Maybe she and the Universe are conspiring to get me to pick it up.

Maybe I will; I do a lot of things because she wills me to somehow.

From day to day, parenting is painfully mundane. It鈥檚 a lot of routine and repetition; the same games, the same books, the same lessons. My iPhone has become my constant companion, ready to entertain me at any moment my daughter might happen to look away. Despite reading multiple articles on the subject, I recently decided to give up checking my phone while I鈥檓 with her based on her behavior鈥攏ot outbursts or tantrums, only her own growing desire to whittle away her hours in front of a screen.

It鈥檚 been a difficult sacrifice to make, putting my phone away while I鈥檓 with her, and I have yet to make it through a day successfully. My social media accounts do more than keep my boredom at bay; they help me to feel involved in the outside world, keep me from getting too lonely. They also overwhelm me, distracting me with their content long after I鈥檝e put my phone down. And, I鈥檝e realized, they keep me from facing the darkest parts of myself.

I don鈥檛 have very nice things to say, or rather think. I didn鈥檛 grow up in a home dripping with affection鈥攆or anyone, really. My family taught me how to protect and defend myself; my step-father would quiz me daily about what I noticed on my walk home from elementary school.

You always, always have to be aware of your surroundings,聽his voice echoes when I find myself getting too familiar with my environment.

My mother isn鈥檛 an unkind woman, but one for whom things, people, are rarely good or good enough. Her nature comes easily to me鈥攎y inheritance, maybe.

When I鈥檓 online, it鈥檚 easy for me to direct my hatred at unseen others: strangers who add antagonizing comments to the posts of friends, old high school classmates gleefully announcing their Go Fund Me donations toward Trump鈥檚 wall. I project my doubts onto other artists who are just starting out, and worst of all, I pour out my bitterness over the artists who are succeeding and who I deem lesser than me. I count these amongst my ugliest thoughts.

Without my digital scapegoats, my vitriol has the clearest path to its true target: me. The first thought that popped into my head the day that I started my screen-free experiment was, Boy, you鈥檙e a shitty mom. It was closely followed by its sibling thoughts about my appearance, my work ethic, my abilities, the invalidity of my dreams. There was no real reason for these thoughts, nothing in the moment to motivate them to come. They don鈥檛 really need a reason, they live with me, are a part of me. They鈥檝e just been waiting for a quiet moment to speak.

鈥淲ithout my digital scapegoats, my vitriol has the clearest path to its true target: me.鈥�

If my time at 天美视频 taught me anything, it鈥檚 that all of us feel this way. Some more than others, but all of us still. It鈥檚 part of what it means to be human in this world. We all have shortcomings, doubts, and fears, and they are ready to contend with us. Some have merit and some don鈥檛, but we will never be able to distinguish what鈥檚 true from what isn鈥檛 unless we face the parts of ourselves that bring us the most shame. There鈥檚 no healing, no transformation without reflection. It can be painful and we may not be ready at any given point; it could take years, a lifetime even. But we have to be aware that our self-contempt paints an incomplete picture of who we are.

I pride myself on being a woman with a keen sense of clarity about who I am, but I鈥檝e lived most of my life unable to see my own goodness. I鈥檝e needed to hear about it from other people. Even then, I found a way to disseminate their words, convincing myself that their view of me was obscured. But it鈥檚 time to take off my own blinders, to seek out the goodness others have been telling me is there on my own.

Those negative thoughts are less intimidating when I鈥檓 able to see myself more clearly. When partnered with a more benevolent self-perspective, they can lead me into compassion and empathy, instead of shame and self-hatred.

This too is part of what it means to be human in this world: the amalgamation of the darkness and the light inside of us. They don鈥檛 have to be at war with one another, they can live symbiotically.

I used to think that living a good life meant following this rigid moral code that God had prescribed for us, one in which there was no place for darkness鈥攐ften considered 鈥渋mpurity鈥� or 鈥渟in.鈥� But I鈥檝e come to believe that living a good life means becoming more human, softer, more given to making mistakes. More able to learn from them, too.

This paradigm shift is right on time. I can never teach my little werewolf how to be fully human until I learn how to be one myself.

The post Self-Contempt in Lent appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

During this season of Lent, as we follow the story of Jesus in the wilderness, we鈥檝e been exploring the call to affirm humanity in ourselves and each other鈥攅ven in all of our hunger and wounding and brokenness. And we believe that affirming the dignity in humanity is, ultimately, an invitation to service; it鈥檚 a call to direct our lives and our work toward worshipping God through the healing and empowerment of individuals and communities, and through the dismantling of systems that seek to deny humanity in some.

That is the arc of pilgrimage: to journey into the wilderness, to be transformed, and to return to service. It鈥檚 also at the heart of our mission at 天美视频. Through transforming relationship and the competent study of text, soul, and culture, we train people to serve God and neighbor in the unique context of their identity and calling.

鈥淭hat is the arc of pilgrimage: to journey into the wilderness, to be transformed, and to return to service. It鈥檚 also at the heart of our mission at 天美视频.鈥�

These two movements鈥攊nward change and outward service鈥攁re inseparable. Our own transformation will be stifled if it is not directed toward service, just like our work in the world will burn out or fall flat if it is not grounded in the journey of transformation. So as we move through Lent and into the rest of April, we鈥檒l continue wrestling with the themes of pilgrimage and wilderness, turning the conversation more specifically to service and the call to serve God and neighbor.

We鈥檒l hear from alumni, faculty, staff, and students about their work in the world, and about how their ability to love God is inextricably tied up with their willingness to love others. We also hope to explore the deep need for imagination in how we approach calling and service. Because鈥攏o surprises here鈥攖he world is changing, and the problems we face today are not the same as they were before; our service should not look the same, either.

May the change and healing that we have found propel us to the change and healing of our world. May we continue to enter places of both deep brokenness and deep beauty. May we never stop innovating, dreaming, and scheming. And may the Spirit be with us as we commit to hard conversations and dare to confront the wicked problems that deface the image of God in humanity.

The post Serving God and Neighbor appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

Can you tell us a little about yourself and the work you do?

I鈥檝e been a bi-vocational pastor for 10 years. My wife and I break the mold in that she is the full-time pastor. The work I do, whether it is a non-ministry job, being a stay-at-home dad for a time, or being a pastor, supports her ministry.

What inspired you to write a book about the Trinity?

The Trinity confused me, and I found that nearly all Christians are confused as to who the Trinity is. A lot of churches and even pastors see God as a patriarchal hierarchy, and we justify abusive relationships this way. The truth is that God is an egalitarian community of love.

Why do you think a robust, well-defined view of the Trinity is important?

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I do not believe that Christianity will survive without a robust Trinitarianism. Nor should it. We have absolutely nothing to offer the world except for our God who is love, and who inspires us to love those who are different than us.

All this month on the Intersections blog we鈥檝e been exploring relationships of all forms, grounded in the belief that the enduring need for connection is a core part of how we are created. How do you see the divine relationship informing how we approach relationships with each other?

God is a community of persons, but we often think of God as a lone individual (the Father), and then we think of ourselves as lone individuals. We each bear God鈥檚 image, but we better bear God鈥檚 image together in community. God exists in and through relationship, and so do we.

What鈥檚 your hope for folks who read your book? How do you hope it will add to the ongoing conversation?

Christianity has literally become Godless. We don鈥檛 believe that Jesus and the Spirit are really God, so we don鈥檛 follow Jesus鈥檚 commands to love, and we don鈥檛 believe that the Spirit can transform us into people who give and receive love better. By embracing the Trinity, I hope that we can all rediscover our God who is interpersonal love, and who is present within, beyond, and between us.

Eternity

Imagine a God who exists eternally as a community of three equally divine persons. The relational communion of the three is so perfect that they are one divine being. And this one relational God is love. This love is dynamic鈥攐pen to the other, to giving and receiving. Each divine person exists in and through this love. Each pours their self out sacrificially on behalf of the other two, even as they are filled by the other two. The one constitutes the three, while the three constitutes the one. This is the eternal dance of love.

Creation

Now imagine that God chooses to extend this love beyond Godself, to overflow it into something new. So God creates the universe. In an act of self-limitation and sacrifice, God pulls back to make room for something other than God. The Spirit takes the lead in the eternal dance and hovers over the primordial 鈥渨aters鈥� of this void. The Spirit then pours himself out into the Father and the Son, overflowing the eternal dance of love into creation. Through this self-emptying, the Spirit sends the Father as Creator and gives divine power over our creation to the Son, through whom all things are created. And it was good.

Then God said, 鈥淟et us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness鈥� (Gen. 1:26, emphasis mine). Male and female, individuals created in the image of the one God, yet together created in the image of the communal God who exists through interpersonal relationships. And it was very good. Yet there were bound to be problems for a Creator who is love, for love requires persons who are free to accept or to reject their part in the dance, persons who are free to choose for or against relationship. And so the relational barrier of sin and death infects and separates humanity from God. Yet from eternity the Trinity had chosen a solution to our problem. A solution with a great cost.

Redemption

Imagine that the Father takes the lead in the eternal dance. Reciprocating the work of the Spirit, he pours himself out into the Son and Spirit, the dance of love overflowing. In self-emptying, the Father sends the Son as Redeemer and gives divine power over our redemption to the Spirit. The Son temporarily gives up his divine privileges and becomes fully human. God submits to becoming a part of creation, yet God cannot stop being God. He takes on our fallen humanity鈥攁 humanity that can sin like us鈥攂ut through obedience to the Father and submission to the Spirit, Jesus does not sin like us, making a way for us. In Jesus, God is perfectly represented for us, and the character of God is fully seen in submitted, self-giving, Spirit-empowered life.

God makes space within eternity for humanity, for God and humanity exist perfectly and paradoxically together in the person of Jesus Christ. Now watch how sin and its curse鈥攐ur suffering, alienation, even death itself鈥攊s taken upon Jesus on the cross, causing him to experience a loss of communion with the Father and the Spirit. He feels abandoned. 鈥淲hy have you forsaken me!鈥� he cries, echoing the lament of Psalm 22. Yet Jesus does not reject his humanity鈥攈e knows the Psalm ends in the good and perfect peace between God and us. The Spirit empowers him to be faithful to the end.

God pours Godself out for us, and takes on the consequences of sin and death. As Jesus speaks his last words, he commends his Spirit into the arms of God. And then he takes his last, dying breath. The dance seems to end abruptly. It is hard to imagine. Yet the Father and Spirit do not let go of their beloved, for the being of God cannot be broken. What is the Trinity to do when Jesus dies? What they always do, and had purposed to do all along鈥攖hey dance. God makes space for humanity as Jesus extends the dance straight through sin, suffering, and death.

Jesus never lets humanity go, and Father and Spirit never let Jesus go. Jesus is one with us and one with Father and Spirit. Thus God holds onto us through death itself. The Trinity reaches through the very core of darkness, and there Jesus falls in complete trust into the embrace of Father and Spirit. And the Trinity dances, this time on both sides of the relational barrier, and this dance shatters sin and death, raising Jesus from the dead. And so begins the good and perfect peace of a new creation.

Restoration

Imagine now that the risen Son reciprocates, taking the lead in the eternal dance. All authority in heaven and earth has been given to him, so he pours himself out into the Spirit and the Father, the dance of love overflowing. In doing so he sends the Spirit as our Restorer, who is actively preparing the world for Jesus鈥� return. Jesus waits for the time when all things will be reconciled to God, when he will give all things back to the Father. And the Father, who knows the day of final restoration, works, and waits, and loves.

The powers of evil and death have suffered a mortal blow. We can live through our own suffering and death knowing that like Christ鈥檚, it will end in total victory and reunion with our beloved God. Soon the day will come when time and space will be folded into eternity. For those who say yes to God, the dance draws us in. For in Jesus鈥攚ho holds both divine and human, eternal and temporal, heaven and earth, perfectly and paradoxically together鈥攖he dance has been extended to you and to me. Jesus reaches out his hand and asks you to follow him, desiring you to join this eternal movement of love, or what he simply calls 鈥渆ternal life.鈥�

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鈥淭here is no one I am more inclined to speak with and learn from about marriage than Steve. His wisdom is astute, and his integrity is as true as his fly line is straight,鈥� writes Dr. Dan Allender, Professor of Counseling Psychology, in the book鈥檚 foreword. 鈥淚f I were to invite someone to read just one marriage book, including my own, I would recommend this volume.鈥�

Today we鈥檙e honored to share a conversation with Steve about what led him to write Reconnect, why disconnection in marriage is so common and so difficult, and his hopes for people who read the book. You can also listen to on The Allender Center Podcast, about the book and the fundamental components of recovering and sustaining connection where it has been lost.

Can you give us an overview of what Reconnect is all about?

This book really is about helping couples become more aware of the various issues that contribute to intermittent and sustained disconnection in their marriage. Reconnect was written to help couples develop new understanding, insight, and strategies to promote deeper connection and healing interaction in their marriage.

Why do you think disconnection is such a common experience in marriage?

Well, I think we each have different desires, hopes, wants, and needs鈥攕o of course this will create and lead to moments of disconnection in marriage. What鈥檚 missing for most marriages, though, is the process of reconnection when disconnection occurs. For most couples, disconnection is a familiar experience that occurs when we feel hurt. And, most often it occurs in the midst of conflict. When we feel hurt, we often withdraw, shut down, isolate ourselves, distract ourselves as a way to cope. Hurt essentially is the foundation of disconnection. And a failure to understand one another in the midst of the hurt is what perpetuates disconnection. Yet when we become aware of the hurt and move toward our spouse鈥檚 hurt without blame or judgement, understanding is cultivated鈥攚hich is the foundation for reconnection.

鈥淲hen we feel hurt, we often withdraw, shut down, isolate ourselves, distract ourselves as a way to cope. Hurt essentially is the foundation of disconnection.鈥�

How did Reconnect grow out of your experience鈥攁s a therapist, a professor, and a husband?

Over the years in my professional work with couples, I was noticing recurrent and common themes and patterns between couples鈥攁nd the central theme was a sense of feeling disconnected. And often, what was missing was how to recover, and essentially pursue reconnection. Most couples, including my marriage with Lisa, are often unaware of the dynamics that disrupt connection and unaware of the destructive effects of hurt, shame, and blame. Couples that are experiencing a sense of disconnection crave to experience reconnection but are often needing a roadmap of sorts to be able to return to one another in a way that facilitates reconnection.

What was the writing process like for you?

The hardest part of the writing process was simply taking the time to write. Writing is a terrifying experience. Writing this book has been one of the most vulnerable and transparent endeavors I have ever pursued. Mainly because I have written stories and reflections from my marriage with Lisa to help illustrate some of the common patterns within disconnection. Writing leaves us open to judgement and evaluation from readers, which is why it took me so long to finally write!

What kept you inspired as you worked through these ideas?

My good friend, colleague, and fly-fishing partner Dan Allender was such an influential and inspiring advocate to write. His persistent and consistent encouragement to put into writing my thoughts, ideas, experiences was absolutely essential in being able to finally write this book. And of course, my wife Lisa. She is such a wise, thoughtful, and insightful woman and has really helped shape and craft much of the understanding and clarity within the book.

What are your hopes for people who read this?

My hope is that couples will learn how to stay connected, especially in moments of conflict; that they will discover how shame is such a force in disconnection; that intimacy will be cultivated through their play with one another; and that they will discover insights, tools, and techniques that will help couples navigate the hopeful path toward reconnection.

The post New Book from Dr. Steve Call: Reconnect appeared first on 天美视频 of Theology & Psychology.

Counselors are good at relationships, or so they say. As folklore would have it, counselors are the 鈥渒nowers鈥� of all things relational and, therefore, can and should be 鈥渕asters鈥� when it comes to their own personal relationships. But is this really the case?

As a counselor, I thought I was good at relationship until I met and married my wife, who is also a counselor. Together, she and I quickly learned that, although we were each quite good at the craft of counseling, neither of us was all that good at establishing intimacy in our personal relationship. Our clinical training had taught us to rely on (if not hide behind) the role of counselor to find stability in the shifting sands of relationship building and maintenance. We had been taught to counsel rather than to relate. Ultimately, I would argue that this is true for far too many counselors.

Within our Western culture, taking on the post of counselor proffers one a certain amount of power, intended or unintended. One such mantle of power pertains to that counselor鈥檚 hermeneutic, or the lens through which that counselor sees the world. Just as lenses can come in various forms of tint, so too can hermeneutics be informed by a vast array of contributants. For many counselors, our entry into the field was informed by a quest to heal a past hurt. As counselors, we鈥檝e entered a profession that gives us access to the hurts of others and allows (even requires) us to focus on or name the 鈥渟tuff鈥� of others. What is more, our profession can grant us a certain measure of (therapeutic) distance in relationships, wherein we can give without necessarily receiving. Add this all together and it is apparent why our relational sight can be encumbered by the tint of our profession-endorsed hermeneutics.

Can you relate? If so, I think you鈥攍ike me and like many other counselors throughout the profession鈥攁re susceptible to a hermeneutic or relational stance that might be prohibitive to the intimacy we seek with the ones we love outside of our counseling offices. It is here that I see Western culture and its introjects informing the images of 鈥渃ounselor鈥� that reside in each of us.

We as counselors end up holding the mixed bag of messages that our culture affords. We sit in and with dissonance. At times we feel great about ourselves and the work we do. At other times it seems as if we鈥檙e a receptacle for others to use for their refuse. And so it goes that we bring said dissonance into our personal relationships, trying to get a handle on who we are and how we are to operate in and through these relationships.

What a mess! We can leave our counseling offices and expect to find the same level of acknowledgment at home. When our partners or our children don鈥檛 hang on our every word like our clients seem to, we begin to think our family members are the ones with the problem (how could they be so ungrateful?). Or when our partners begin to question us, we may find ourselves prone to interpreting their apparently exhibited defense mechanisms, loading our relational cannons to shoot down the perceived threat that our relational partners represent to us. In this, we learn to use our skills to hide and defend.

Moreover, counselors can become quite sophisticated in terms of their defensive relational frameworks. Our professional training can keep us entrenched in seeing the patterns of thought and behaviors in others (鈥淵ou seem to do this鈥� or 鈥淵ou seem to think that鈥�). Having been handed the constructs of transference and countertransference, it becomes hard not to see our partners as just one more person looking to work out their own unfinished business on us and our tabula-rasa backs. In other words, we can stop seeing our partners for who they are and begin responding to them and their behaviors as though they are clients coming to us for 鈥渃are.鈥�

I find it remarkable that although I鈥檝e been practicing and teaching counseling for well over a decade, it is still surprisingly hard at times for me to be open with my wife about what I am feeling. As a counselor, I have become a wordsmith, and I have become very effective at hiding behind my words when I want to. I can add a proviso such as 鈥淚t seems like 鈥︹�� or 鈥淚t feels like 鈥︹�� to my sentences to lambast a loved one or to take inventory of them in a way that is ultimately uncaring.

鈥淎lthough I鈥檝e been practicing and teaching counseling for well over a decade, it is still surprisingly hard at times for me to be open with my wife about what I am feeling.鈥�

In his text Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that a phrase such as 鈥淚 feel like鈥� doesn鈥檛 actually serve as an indicator for a feeling to follow. Such a phrase can be duplicitous in that feelings don鈥檛 need warm-up phrases. Hence, a statement made with an opening qualifier ends up being nothing more than an intrusion on my relational partner鈥檚 boundaries.

To this end, I would call myself a recovering codependent. In fact, many of the counselors I know would fit that category, regardless of whether they espouse such a descriptor. Our profession is one supposedly steeped with boundaries. If clients transgress and cross a boundary, they are called on it, whereas if counselors do so, it is often seen as therapeutic.

For instance, when was the last time you named something in your client? Did you do so with humility and a willingness to be wrong, or was your pronouncement emphatic and delivered with a triumphant edge? If the latter strikes a chord with you as it does for me, then I think we run the risk of taking this type of energy or engagement into relationship with those we love. With our partners, children, friends and other loved ones, we can make pronouncements that we think should garner applause and usher in healing and growth. And I鈥檒l say again, when this doesn鈥檛 happen, we鈥檝e been taught to view this dynamic as the other being full of resistance.

Ultimately, I鈥檓 trying to speak to my belief that we鈥檝e been set up to fail relationally. So what is a counselor to do? I believe our skills and our attempts at containment, which can seem to get us somewhere in the office, are the very things that can dismantle our interactions with loved ones. We鈥檝e been left with a tool kit of really expensive gadgets that oftentimes have little pertinence to our needed relational repairs. And here鈥檚 the kicker: We think we should know better.

I can鈥檛 tell you how many times I鈥檝e had the following thoughts when interacting with someone in my personal life: 鈥淚 should know how to handle this鈥� or 鈥淚 should know what to do here.鈥� I mean, after all, I am a counselor, right? Aren鈥檛 counselors supposed to know how to handle complex relational moments?

I think Carl Rogers was on to something when he claimed it is the personal that is most general (脿 la On Becoming a Person). A dilemma I face as a person is that I don鈥檛 often grant myself the luxury of being just that鈥攁 person. No, I think because of the work that I do or the degrees on my wall that I should have it all figured out and should offer pristine love and encouragement to all who come in contact with me. When I am unable to fit this bill, I take it out on myself and cower in shame. I choose to disengage rather than staying present in the moment. I retreat, look for cover and hope for a moment wherein I can get back on solid ground.

A helpful reminder: Maybe there is no such thing as solid ground in relationship. Maybe that鈥檚 the point of relationship. You鈥檝e probably heard it said that someone can have enough information about something to be dangerous. I think this is true for many counselors and therapists in their personal relationships. We鈥檝e been given diagnostic and interpretive categories, therapeutic skills to hone and a professional frame in which to hold it all. When push comes to shove, however, very little of this plays outside of the counseling office. Outside of my office, I am faced with the same personal struggles that my clients face: to engage openly and honestly with the people I love.

鈥淥utside of my office, I am faced with the same personal struggles that my clients face: to engage openly and honestly with the people I love.鈥�

So what鈥檚 the take-home message here? Don鈥檛 assume your clinical training will serve as an asset in your personal relationships. In fact, anticipate that it might act as a liability at points. Listen to yourself talk, and allow your use of language to inform you of your more deep-seated, hermeneutical leanings. Practice receiving care from others, especially from those who know and love you best. Ask for feedback; our places of work should not be the only avenues by which we engage in 鈥減erformance review鈥� processes. Seek out entitlement and/or power-laden energies in the ways you carry yourself both personally and professionally, and allow that voice of entitlement lodged within or the power plays you display to point you toward unmet needs of your own that are very much worth stewarding.

And above all, let鈥檚 stop taking ourselves so seriously. If we render ourselves 鈥渒nowers鈥� of the human condition who 鈥渟hould鈥� know what to do, say, think, or feel when it comes to our personal relationships, I believe we exponentiate the likelihood that we will promulgate loneliness in those relationships. Let鈥檚 allow ourselves to be who we are and where we are and be willing to chuckle at our foibles, our failures, and our good-intentioned but ill-advised attempts to get our own needs met. In so doing, we might just become better lovers.

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Grounded Theory Analysis allows the researcher to search for a central explanatory concept or core category which is intended to capture the essence of what has been studied. In this study, I could not escape an overwhelming concept that kept pushing to be named. I was reluctant to name it, because it is too human, and I was afraid it would sound too 鈥渟oft鈥� for research. But it refused to not be recognized. And it is this鈥攚hat lies at the heart of a psychoanalytic treatment is love.

It came up in three ways. First, interviewees stated it directly by simply saying, 鈥淚 love my patients.鈥� Second, I found myself 鈥渓oving鈥� my interviewees as I was 鈥渃aught up鈥� in how they expressed themselves with so much joy, care, and compassion for their patients. I found myself 鈥渢ouched鈥� by the intimacy that evolved in their work as they risked themselves emotionally and intellectually, wholeheartedly engaging the analytic process. Third, love came to be defined by the very kind of relationship analysts provide鈥攁 relationship that requires of themselves honesty and risk-taking, a deep immersion in the affective lives of the other, and a devotion to scrutinize non-defensively their own selves in an attempt to understand, feel, and grasp the internal and interpersonal world of another. The analyst is willing to resist the urge for self-protection, surrender certainty, and engage in the inevitable conflicts, misrecognitions, and ruptures, and to stay in the conflict until it is worked through. The analyst鈥檚 relentless 鈥渆thic of honesty鈥濃�攁 Freudian technique that Freud believed an essential requirement in the patient鈥攊s now valued by these relational analysts as a requirement also in themselves. It is this honesty that births an unusual authenticity rarely found in human relations, and the primary factor that engenders change and transformation in our patients鈥� lives.

As I vetted this study, I discovered that some analysts were uncomfortable with the word 鈥渓ove鈥� and some even stated that they didn鈥檛 love all of their patients, giving me pause to reconsider love as a core category. So how did it get included? First, it was in the data. Second, just as this research study was developed from a student pushing for clearer practices, it was also a student who encouraged me to include it. Students were aware of the research I was conducting, and many even participated in the literature review for the study. I told them about this thing called love, and that it was controversial. There was a student who had been in the class for two semesters and who had said little to nothing the entire time. I sensed his engagement, but was often curious about his silence. Now, at the end of the semester, having said our goodbyes, he approached me and quite intensely said: 鈥淒on鈥檛 ever shy away from love…You have brought it, you have lived it, I have bought it, and I believe it…And now, as a new practitioner, I have seen it. Don鈥檛 ever give up on love.鈥�

It should be made clear that we don鈥檛 鈥渄ecide鈥� to love a patient, and in fact, if love is in the air, we know that negative affective states are not far behind (and perhaps vice versa). However, isn鈥檛 the very tangle of the therapeutic relationship, where we experience the intensity of the full range of emotions, including love and hate, not some form of love?¹

He was handsome, confident, articulate, immediately fluid and charming in our interaction, eyeing me to see if I could be of any use to him. Socially sophisticated and gentle in his approach, I was quickly introduced to the intricacies of his life-drama and felt as though I was being auditioned to see if I would become critic or admirer. I sensed he wanted help, but he did not want to be revealed. He wanted to be seen, but not if it meant I might perceive him in any negative way. I was invited in to assist him in his difficulties in living as long as I did not disrupt the fragile persona that he had developed over his 40-plus years. We approached each other tentatively鈥攕keptics, if you will, wondering if we would find authenticity in the other or if we would part left with yet another false encounter. Yet we both stayed. Over time skepticism was replaced with trust and our lives enriched by the other.

Therapy is a profound relational experience that conjures up a myriad of emotion. I can easily report that I love my patients, and I respect their courage and willingness to enter the difficult work of therapy, but often I am caught off guard in that these are not merely words out of a textbook about empathy or unconditional positive regard, but are deeply held feelings that are alive within me.

鈥淭hese are not merely words out of a textbook about empathy or unconditional positive regard, but are deeply held feelings that are alive within me.鈥�

Such was the case for me with this man when I sensed something well up inside me and discovered that I felt a deep and abiding love for him. This love was not simply 鈥減rofessional,鈥� but was the kind of love that I feel for those I know best: love as a sensation not a concept. I felt excited, desirous, hopeful, emotional, and eager. I felt awe, the feeling of love that says, 鈥渢his is good.鈥�

I found myself disturbed by this love. Yet I also wanted to revel in it.

I was disturbed because I wondered if, in loving, had I lost my objectivity? Had I lost my way with him in such a way that I could no longer assist him in understanding himself? I was left asking, 鈥淐an I love him and be objective? And can I not love him and be objective?鈥�

As I sat with these feelings of love, I must admit I found myself less clinical in this session, less judgmental of his lapses of 鈥渕ental health,鈥� less energetic to go after his 鈥渦nderlying pathology.鈥� I felt a sense of celebration about the life that we had together so far. I was moved by how he was emerging from being a user and a manipulator of persons, to a lover of people. He was becoming a person who was discovering enough of himself that he was less driven to manipulate sex, women, and others to fulfill his needs. He was getting well. His work had been admirable. I was proud of him. There was cause for celebration.

I am acutely aware at moments like these that I may, in fact, be colluding with patients rather than interpreting underlying patterns of behavior. But this was not what I was experiencing at that moment. His earlier, more manipulative and hurtful way of relating had been tempered with genuine love. I felt his expression of love and, because I felt its genuineness, I too was moved to love.

I believe that my work with patients requires me to analyze and integrate the negative aspects of our relatedness. At the same time, I need to experience and celebrate with patients the lovingness that exists in each of us and often cannot find voice. The task before us, then, is how to connect with, surrender to, love, and be loved by our patients.

We all want to be loved, of course, but we often seek love in ways that it cannot be found. Almost always love is replaced with the need to be admired, taken care of, or desired鈥攁lmost anything except to be seen and known honestly for our real selves. And yet we 鈥渒now鈥� that when we are least defended, and when our more real self announces itself, then the Real (God) can be and is revealed. If we believe that God took human form in Christ Jesus, and that through the incarnation we are Christ to one another, then God鈥檚 own love comes concretely into our midst through our interpersonal interactions.

鈥淲e all want to be loved, of course, but we often seek love in ways that it cannot be found.鈥�

In this moment with my patient, I was reminded that shared knowing lies at the heart of fulfilled love; 鈥淔or now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known鈥� (1 Cor. 13:12). On that day, love shone through. We were face-to-face and, although we did, and will, and do experience many other emotions, on that day love let me see not only the darkness but also the Light. And he saw it too. The news that I heard was the news of love, the news of a self that had long been neglected, that had not been able to give voice. I loved the loved, and the Beloved was with us. And we were both changed.²

¹Excerpted from , Edited by Roy E. Barsness for the Relational Perspectives Book Series. New York, NY: Routledge, 2018.

²Excerpted from 鈥淗onor, Wonder, Awe and Love: Sacred Moments in Relationship with Clients鈥� by Wayne T. Aoki, Roy Barsness, and Sam B. Leong, in Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 2001, Vol. 20, No. 1, 80-84.

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As we鈥檙e wrestling with the categories of connection and relationship this month, we think it鈥檚 essential to celebrate and explore the nature of friendship. That鈥檚 a big word, one that could refer to someone you鈥檝e only met online, or someone who鈥檚 walked with you through the most significant peaks and valleys of your life, or somewhere in between. Despite its potential vagueness, there is something essential in this category that helps us learn how to navigate both the beauty and the heartache of our world as people of relationship.

So we walked around our building yesterday, asking folks in our community about the nature of friendship and the art of cultivating life-giving connections with friends. Our thanks to the students, staff, and faculty who participated in this video:

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February is designated as a month to celebrate love鈥攁nd if you cringe a bit when you read that, we understand. Because the ways that designation is celebrated, culminating in Valentine鈥檚 Day, are often cheesy and void of meaning (not to mention commercially exploited). Our culture presents us with a fantasy of connection, but more often than not, the solutions that promise to fulfill the fantasy turn out to be a bit like building a sandcastle in a hurricane. So it鈥檚 no wonder that many people, overstressed and under-connected, resign themselves鈥攃onsciously or not鈥攖o the idea that 鈥渞eal relationships鈥� take too much work, opting for the safety of familiarity and isolation rather than the naked risk of love.

But this we believe: to be human means to live in relationship. It is in relation to each other and to the world around us that we are most fully ourselves, most fully in tune with the image of God in which we were created. If we settle for the fantasy of connection, or reject the fantasy but spiral into cynicism, we lose access to core parts of our identities and callings. Deep, dynamic relationships, though, are not without risk; when we open ourselves to others and to our unpredictable world, we are exposing our own broken parts to the jagged and broken parts of others. This can get messy, to say the least.

All this month on the Intersections blog, we鈥檒l be diving into that beautiful, terrifying, holy mess of relationships. And we鈥檙e not just talking about marriage or other forms of romantic love. We鈥檒l be exploring the nature of friendship, the ways we relate to ourselves and hold our sense of identity, and what it means to let the steady currents of love move in the midst of fear, pain, and uncertainty.

So here鈥檚 to messiness, mystery, and a bold commitment to relationship in the face of empty fantasies and cultural disconnection. Because the need is too great, and the moment too urgent, to not take seriously our deep need for dynamic, life-giving connection with God, ourselves, and each other.

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鈥淚nstructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.鈥�
鈥揗ary Oliver

On January 17, for just a few hours, part of our collective online life seemed to take on a different tone. The usual frenzy was jarred by news of Mary Oliver鈥檚 death, and as word spread it set the Internet afire with grief and gratitude and poetry. Given the storms underway around us and the anxious pace of our discourse, Mary鈥檚 quiet prevalence that day reflects something of how unique she was, how holy the gifts she left us.

In my corner of the Internet, this phenomenon was especially noticeable among my 天美视频 friends and colleagues鈥攂ecause few voices have seeped into the pulse of this community so thoroughly and so generously. Of course, certain writers shape a pivotal moment in particular classes: first-year students often develop a begrudging affection for Martin Buber and his fondness for talking to trees; Harry Middleton鈥檚 gorgeous memoir The Earth Is Enough prompts an assignment with which Dan Allender鈥檚 students are on a first-name basis; in theology classes, many students bond in common conviction and inspiration under the work of James Cone; and Annie Rogers鈥檚 A Shining Affliction is a beloved rite of passage in the Counseling Psychology program.

Fewer writers, though, manage to impact the rhythms and tones of life in our red brick building even when they are not officially assigned in class. And perhaps none have done so with as much resonance as Mary Oliver鈥攁 matriarch of 天美视频 whose words stir somewhere deep in the heart of this place.

With the authority of a voice at home with itself, Mary called us to listen and pay attention. Sometimes her call came as a gentle whisper, and other times it felt more like a slap in the face: look up, at the gray sky you take for granted; look down, at the wet soil knotted with roots; look in, at the self you have forgotten. In a way, she was echoing that other Mary, who teaches us that even the bravado of wise men and the chaos of exile might evoke in us a moment of attentive pondering.

鈥淚n a way, she was echoing that other Mary, who teaches us that even the bravado of wise men and the chaos of exile might evoke in us a moment of attentive pondering.鈥�

But attention itself is not the goal, learning from her long-time partner Molly: 鈥淎ttention without feeling, I began to learn, is only a report. An openness鈥攁n empathy鈥攚as necessary if the attention was to matter.鈥� It鈥檚 why her famous 鈥渋nstructions for living a life鈥� don鈥檛 end at 鈥減ay attention,鈥� though that is the crucial point from which everything else follows. Instead, attention leads to astonishment, and astonishment turns us toward others. It seems that the work of paying attention and opening ourselves to wonder is not complete until it also deepens our capacity for love.

Love, then, is where Mary leads us, and it鈥檚 why the Internet, for just a moment, felt like such a kind place on that sad day. Because so many of us, in one way or another, learned something from Mary about what it means to love. In the profound simplicity of her work, she assured us that love is not resounding gongs and clanging cymbals. In her long, inquisitive walks she proclaimed that presence and attunement are the elements of love, and that those are grown through the repetition and discipline of ritual. And in not shying from grief after her partner鈥檚 death, she reminded us that love can be excruciating and raw鈥攖hat it sometimes comes as a gift in

Mary taught us again and again that love is most fully itself when it is omnidirectional: outward, inward, up, down, around鈥攅ach avenue nourished by and dependent upon the others. If you treat the with impatience and contempt, she seemed to be asking us, how can you hope to love others any differently? If you stop listening to the earth and all that breathes and pulses around you, how can you maintain the intrigue that gives love wings? And if you are not at home in your own self, will you ever be home anywhere else?

Somehow, when Mary鈥檚 work asked big questions or spoke a truth that shot like lightning through our bones, it never felt as if she was lecturing or preaching at us. She offered a small thing well said, a bit like walking on the beach with a friend who stoops to collect a seashell. 鈥淗ere,鈥� she says, dropping it into our palm, 鈥渓ook what I found.鈥� Then she鈥檚 off, continuing her walk and letting us decide what to do with her gift.

That is why she could reach refrigerator-magnet-level prevalence and still feel as if she was speaking directly to you, her reader. When she said, it was both a universal proclamation and the close comfort of a dear friend, offering a cup of tea to bring our anxious frenzy back to the earth. She was both wise teacher and gentle companion.

There are some who were skeptical of this, who believed that Mary鈥檚 presence on Pinterest and postcards must mean her work was somehow less beautiful or important. Her critics often championed the suspicious belief that popularity betrays a work as shallow or false, like the easy pleasure and empty insight you might find on Top 40 radio. But I would argue that Mary鈥檚 widespread resonance was deeper than that. She saw something true of our world and ourselves, and she offered it to us as a free gift鈥攕imply wrapped, shyly given, no strings attached. And we loved her for it.

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