Being human is complex鈥攅specially being human in a body. There are moments in life when the tensions we hold are simply overwhelming, disorienting, and beyond language, like losing someone we love. But there are also moments when this tension, while still powerful and tangible, is somewhat elusive鈥攍ike the uncertain times in our lives when we stand in the threshold between the familiar and the unknown, or the thinly known. Many of you find yourselves in a threshold moment, a liminal space, as you anticipate studying at 天美视频 in the next month.

Some of you will be relocating to a new city, leaving home, families, friends, and jobs. You will all be reorienting your life around new rhythms, adjusting to changes in relationships, jobs, and friendships as graduate school takes up space and time. We imagine that, for most of you, this liminal space is occupied by anticipation, excitement, anxiety, fear, and grief鈥攏ot to mention the needs and concerns of other people (spouses and children) and the major decisions that still loom ahead. That is a lot to hold in a body and to comprehend in a mind.

It is often not until after we have crossed a threshold and are looking back that we are able to put words to all that we are feeling, holding, experiencing鈥攖o put words to what we need. That鈥檚 why it is so important in the midst of liminal spaces to find playful and practical rituals that help you locate yourself in relationship with God, yourself, and others.

Here are a few we would suggest:

Curiosity

Ask questions without agendas. Write about it. Talk about it. Definitely laugh about it. Connect with a 天美视频 mentor. Give us a call. Pray.

Sensuality

Find ways to slow down and engage all your senses: Eat good food. Listen to good music. Play outside. Read books. Light candles. Take baths. Have fun with essential oils. Build something. Do yard work. Be good to your body. Sing hymns. Take communion.

Reflection

Remember past times where you鈥檝e found yourself in the in-between and what you learned about yourself and God. Write down moments of experiencing God鈥檚 provision and guidance. Say thank you to the people in your life who love you well (thank yourself). Read old journals. Meditate on texts that have brought comfort and encouragement.

Grace

Give yourself permission to feel all that you feel with no judgement. Embrace your human-sizeness. It鈥檚 okay to feel awkward, out of sorts, and disoriented. Ask for help. Be patient with yourself and others. Remind yourself that you are enough.

As you enter this season of transition and realignment, know that we are thinking of you and holding you close to our hearts. Know, too, that your future classmates are journeying through this season alongside you. Feel free to reach out on to connect with one another; you鈥檒l be in class together before you know it!

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When I was about six years old, I can remember sitting on the front row of Holy Trinity Baptist Church in Philadelphia next to my father. He was a deacon in the Church and it was his usual place to be seated up front. However, for some reason I was seated with him. I normally sat with my sister and mother on the second row, off to the right of the pulpit, underneath the stain glass windows. But on this Sunday, I was on the front row, slightly fidgety and playing with toys and drawing to hold my attention.

At some point during the service I looked up from my play, the way kids do to check on their parents, and I saw his face. My father was crying. Something in the service moved him and he began to weep quietly. I was fixed on his face, I had never seen him cry like this. I could tell these were not just joyful tears, but a sorrow released. I remember wanting him to compose himself, but at the same time I had never seen this deeply into who he was. He seemed so willing to let tears come, to reveal how much he needed G-d in that moment.

I didn鈥檛 ask anything, but I remember moving away from him, the way you move to avoid an awkward situation. I鈥檇 never seen him cry and the vulnerability made me feel a bit unsure. Eventually, he took out his white handkerchief, wiped his eyes and nose and returned to being the man I knew. I don鈥檛 remember the rest of the service, but I will never forget this moment with him. In no other spaces of our life together had I seen him this open. I knew of his sense of duty, but not of his devotion. G-d was important to him and he felt safe enough that he could bring his humanness to G-d and know he would not be shamed.

At times this is the way I hold G-d, much in the way I reacted to my father鈥檚 vulnerability. I desire to experience the love of G-d in the humanity of Jesus, but I still at times resist the accessibility of the incarnation. G-d enters the world through Jesus as a child, vulnerable and quite human. The idea that Jesus was 鈥渂orn of a woman鈥� speaks to His humanity, and in this embodied form, differed from us only in that he knew no sin. It has become easy to dismiss the humanity of Jesus for His divine attributes, but this only serves to put G-d out of reach psychologically and emotionally; to make Him an outsider to our experience. You see, it is in this accessibility of weakness that G-d reveals the invitation to belong, not just to Him, but to each other. G-d discards omnipotence to dwell in human flesh, to be touched and touch, to be held and known. G-d is not here fully human as a threat, not here as the Son to condemn, but to join, and to make us family anew.

Advent is an invitation to move towards G-d and to be moved by a G-d who is with us, who is active in human affairs. I first learned of G-d through the vulnerability and devotion of my father. It was not something I understood at this early age, nor accepted as my own until years later, but I saw in him what it meant to belong to Jesus.

In this season, may we find the safety to accept the proximity of G-d and the courage to embrace the healing intimacy of belonging鈥攖o G-d and to each other.

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I breathed myself to life, and so can you. My own recovery from the trauma of sexual repression drew me towards the healing medicine of yoga. I am a psychotherapist and a yoga teacher. My passion, obsession, and saving grace is embodiment鈥攖he experience of inhabiting the home of your body. Social forces and generational/personal trauma split the psyche into compartmentalization and dissociation, which inhibit us from fully inhabiting our own skin. I came into this work by following the golden thread of aliveness that vibrated inside of me whenever I stepped towards an act of embodiment.

My journey towards my profession and passion began by confronting my own pain of living in a deadened body.

鈥淢y journey towards my profession and passion began by confronting my own pain of living in a deadened body.鈥�

As a girl I was steeped in an evangelical church that was emotionally and sexually repressed. I was taught to dissociate from my emotion and sexuality. Eager to perform for my community, I was one of the 鈥榞ood鈥� ones. My dissociative abilities grew stronger as they were reinforced and praised. I swallowed my emotions and wore my pledge of virginity until marriage like a badge of honor. I committed to these ideas with resolve, to the point of receiving a purity tattoo鈥攁 dove on my hip that I wouldn鈥檛 allow anyone to see until my wedding night.

As a child I was tirelessly praised for my goodness, my ability to follow all of the rules set before me. The only price I had to pay for this endless stream of praise was my unwavering compliance with the group norms of emotional and sexual repression. As long as I agreed that the impulses of my body were wrong and should be ignored at all costs, I was given power, respect, and trust from a group of people I deeply respected.

As a 3 on the Enneagram, 鈥渢he performer,鈥� my disposition lends me towards being preoccupied with how others see me. 鈥楪ood鈥� became my identity, and my value was centered around how well I could perform to the expectations of those in authority around me. My obsession with blamelessness made me feel afraid to consider my own right to connection and desire.

It is painful to realize I was brainwashed out of connecting to my own sensuality. Over and over again I kissed my college boyfriend (who is now my incredible, gracious husband) while willing myself outside of my body and interrupting our connection if we got 鈥榯oo close.鈥� For years. For five years. That is too many years of not surrendering to the wisdom of our bodies. Our super power, being deeply present with each other, was shadowed by shame and secrecy. By the time we decided we had waited long enough to have sex, I had retreated so far from the felt experience of my body that I didn鈥檛 know how to enjoy it.

Dissociation is the psychological process of blocking out what an individual considers to be harmful. What is defined as 鈥榟armful鈥� within an individual is often the parts of self that may inhibit a sense of belonging to a particular community. I was taught that my body was bad and not to be trusted, so I spent the vast majority of my life ignoring what it was saying to me out of an ethical duty to be 鈥榞ood.鈥� I鈥檓 not the only one. The bodies of countless people growing up within Evangelical communities have been affected by the shameful rhetoric of purity culture.

The trauma of neglecting and shaming my body during vital years of sexual development caused a severe split between my mind and my body. We don鈥檛 learn how to be in our bodies unless we are taught how to follow sensation. In order to keep my purity pledge, I did everything in my power to sever myself from sensation, and in the process inadvertently sent the message to my brain that connection to my body was not to be trusted. My evil body tempted me into sexual sin鈥攁n age-old fable more concerned with power than with sex.

Yoga was the first place I learned how to inhabit my body intimately, in a way that wasn鈥檛 overtly sexual. Yoga was a neutral environment I could enter to learn how to de-thaw my body, without having to hold the emotional complexity of sexual shame that would often come up during sex. It has been through my own yoga practice that I鈥檝e learned that there is ancient medicine in using breath and movement in order to bring bodies back to life. What has historically been my biggest weakness is turning into my biggest strength because my pain forced me to look so closely at my body.

鈥淭here is ancient medicine in using breath and movement in order to bring bodies back to life.鈥�

While I was still dry humping Ben in church parking lots (#wheatonlyfe) in 2006, I attended a 鈥榮tretching and breathing鈥� class (yoga, in disguise) that changed my life. My body, which I had spent so much time trying to separate from and control, was now being gently paid attention to. I learned how to use movement as prayer, and for the first time I began to see how being with my body was a worshipful experience. It made my heart burst wide open to pay attention to myself in this way. Each time I laid in savasana, the final resting pose at the end of a yoga class, I came into direct contact with the weirdness and goodness of my body, the pure delight of feeling my own aliveness. These magical experiences in my body drew me to enroll in a yoga teacher training the summer before I started class at 天美视频. Immersed in the world of body wisdom I began, piece by piece, to land into a body I wasn鈥檛 fully aware I had disowned.

After I graduated, I spent four years working at , a local eating disorder clinic that was my therapeutic boot camp. Working with clients with eating disorders is a minefield of body hatred and dissociation, and I needed to learn quickly how to help my clients tolerate being in bodies that felt deeply unsafe to inhabit. I voraciously read books on embodiment and somatic healing from trauma, and I realized as I read that I needed to heal myself. The deeper I dove into healing my relationship with my body, the more I could teach my students how to find islands of safety within their own skin.

Dissociation is a form of trauma that leaves the body frozen, numb, and unresponsive. When trauma and neglect happen, we need to vacate. It is a sweet gift that the body doesn鈥檛 allow us to come into full contact with the enormity of our pain when we aren鈥檛 safe enough to feel it. I see the body as a manifestation of the unconscious mind, and when we work explicitly with the physical body, we grow awareness to the most hidden parts of our psyche. Yoga is a way to slowly reintroduce ourselves to the disowned parts of ourselves. Using the tools of breath and focused awareness, we can gradually thaw the frozen, clenched parts of our bodies. Now in my private practice, I鈥檓 teaching my clients and yoga students how to reclaim the uncharted waters of their own bodies using meditation, yoga, and breathing practices.

It wasn鈥檛 until I began connecting to my body that I realized how deeply disconnected I had been my entire life. Even now, after spending the last decade working to integrate the experiences of my body, I鈥檓 more aware than ever about how much I still don鈥檛 know about this earth suit of mine. It is endlessly mysterious and mystical to discover the maps of intelligence that are encoded into our bodies. I鈥檒l never arrive at a perfectly embodied or integrated place, but I have breathed myself into a new body. A more fluid, open, welcoming, and grounded body. A body that knows how to lean into care because of all those times she leaned into the earth in savasana and felt held.

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Of course it is all too easy to tune out our bodies, to ignore how they communicate our need for nurture. What are the practices that help us listen to our bodies? What are the rhythms and rituals that connect us to those deep, vulnerable parts of our bodies and souls that are crying out for care? Our students and alumni have been wrestling with these questions in beautiful, creative ways for many years, and we often turn to their voices when we need to remember how to be present in our bodies. Today we鈥檙e sharing a few of those voices鈥攖houghtful presentations inviting us to engage the rituals, rhythms, and age-old practices that draw us back to our deeply human need for nurture. And if you鈥檇 like to join us in the gift of learning from the integrative and insightful work of our students, save the date for the annual Integrative Project Symposium on May 31.

At our second annual Symposia in 2016, Heather Stringer (, 鈥�10) presented 鈥淏reaking Frozen Seas: How Rituals of the Body Transform Clients and Communities,鈥� exploring how intentional, sensual rituals open us to learning from our bodies as we pursue healing from trauma. 鈥淚 think our body longs to teach us, it longs to mother us, it longs to remind us,鈥� says Heather. 鈥淎nd without ritual, we foreclose creativity and shared open language about what is happening, and we dissociate.鈥�

鈥淚 think our body longs to teach us, it longs to mother us, it longs to remind us.鈥�

Also at Symposia 2016, Jenny McGrath (MACP, 鈥�15) talked about 鈥淗ealing Trauma Through Movement,鈥� sharing how dance had been an avenue of healing and growth in her own life, and how movement and dance can be used therapeutically to bring counseling and rehabilitation for trauma survivors. Jenny shares about her work in northern Uganda, researching the therapeutic power of movement in the wake of war and exploring how dance can help communicate emotional realities that are beyond language. 鈥淲e are affected not just neurologically, but neuro-physiologically when we go through trauma. We are not just floating heads,鈥� says Jenny. 鈥淪o there needs to be some form of engagement with our bodies if we are truly to develop a sustainable model for people to recover from their trauma.鈥�

At Symposia 2017 Jenny Wade (MACP, 鈥�13), a therapist and founder of in Seattle, shared about 鈥淔inding Beauty in Embodied Resistance.鈥� In this profound talk, Jenny starts with the disgust that so many people feel toward their bodies, and the million ways we are taught to believe that our bodies are not worth trusting. 鈥淚 believe that bodies are good,鈥� says Jenny. 鈥淭hey are good, and they are wise, and they are beautiful. [鈥 But trauma, both collective and personal, separates us from the felt experience of our body. When we experience trauma, our body feels foreign. Our body doesn鈥檛 feel like it鈥檚 ours.鈥�

(For more on this, we also deeply appreciated J. Knox Burnett鈥檚 (MACP, 鈥�13) presentation, )

When we are more fully connected to our bodies, we are more able to attune to spiritual practices and soul care. This is much of the work that Lacy Clark Ellman (MA in Theology & Culture, 鈥�12) fosters in her work as a spiritual director. In 2017, Lacy presented 鈥淏eyond Borders: Cultivating Awareness, Resilience, and Transformation through the Practice of Pilgrimage.鈥� In 2017 she shared about the ancient art of pilgrimage and the archetypal human stories that have so much to reveal about the journey of separation, initiation, and return. 鈥淭his adventure of the hero and journey of the pilgrim is built within each one of us,鈥� says Lacy. 鈥淎nd claiming it as our own, we are aligning with our divine imprint as seekers of the sacred.鈥�

(Kate Davis [Master of Divinity, 鈥�15] also powerfully reflected on the transformative insights of ancient human stories in her Integrative Project presentation, )

Across cultures and generations, these categories of initiation, wilderness, and pilgrimage have been central to questions of what it means to be fully human鈥攁nd yet for many of us, they feel so foreign today. That鈥檚 why we appreciated this Symposia 2016 presentation from Doug Wheeler (MA in Counseling, 1987), 鈥淣avigating the Masculine Journey with 鈥楽herpas鈥� Nouwen, Jung, and Peck.鈥� Doug reflects on the archetypes that help clarify the terrain and trajectory of human pilgrimage. 鈥淭here is no entry fee, but it will cost you plenty to make this journey. Pack a lunch, lose your map, travel lightly.鈥�

On May 31 we鈥檒l gather to hear from students in our Master of Divinity and MA in Theology & Culture programs as they present on the projects that serve as a capstone of their time in graduate school. The Integrative Project Symposium is always an inspiring, grounding, and thought-provoking time. All are welcome!

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That鈥檚 what we鈥檙e diving into on the blog this month: how to open ourselves to the nurture and care that is required to sustain our calling as fully embodied people committed to the movement of hope and healing. It might be worth pausing on that last sentence. What comes to mind when you hear the word nurture? Somewhere along the way, many of us have internalized an assumption that the need to be nurtured is something to be outgrown, something no longer experienced by people who are competent, mature, and capable of effecting change in the world.

We believe, though, that the deep need for nurture is a central part of the human experience, and it is essential to the art of growing in wisdom, empathy, and clarity of calling. As we lead, care for others, and respond to the needs around us, the reservoirs we draw from will run dry if we are not open to receiving care from God, ourselves, and each other鈥攗ltimately leaving us burned out in our work and cynical about the possibility of meaningful change.

We hope you will join us in this conversation as we hear from alumni, students, faculty, and staff about how their particular identities and stories shape their work in the world, and how they receive nurture and care along the way. May we remain curious about whatever resistance might emerge, about those places in us that might feel shame about our need for nurture, and may we continue learning to open ourselves鈥攊ndividually and collectively鈥攖o the care that fuels our formation and sparks creative, courageous work in the world.

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My husband had had a partial knee replacement surgery. It was an awful experience for both of us, with complications and longer-than-expected target gains. Watching, caring, and waiting for his knee (and soul) to heal, I decided in some less-than-conscious part of myself that I never wanted to go through that kind of pain (his knee replacement came from many years of running and athletic wear and tear), so I quit running. In this forfeiture, what I failed to realize is that, for me, running had come to serve as a spiritual practice. As I was saying no to running, I was giving up on a way that I connect deeply to God, myself, and the space between.

In the busyness of my world鈥攋obs, kids, house, etc.鈥擨 can often lose connection to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Running has been one way I could carve out time to be alone (quiet, still) and to connect body, soul, and spirit: this trinity of my being coming together with the triune God. Running had served as a time when I could pray, hear from God, and take time to challenge the ways I often hold myself back by choosing to believe in the impossibility (rather than the possibility) of certain things.

鈥淚n the busyness of my world I can often lose connection to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.鈥�

Years prior, when I was running consistently, I remember noticing that I could never get past three miles logged in any given session. Everytime I would get close, I would stop running, or I would get sick. I seemed to circle this track for at least a year. Finally, as I was talking to my therapist about this supposed limitation, she asked, 鈥淲hat is it like to be in your body, to connect with your body in that way?鈥� In that moment, I knew I was being invited by God to challenge myself to connect my body to the energy within it in ways I simply hadn鈥檛 before: to put down the mental barrier I had believed true in regards to running. So in that very moment, I decided to sign up for my first half marathon.

By that time my husband had already completed a number of half marathons, so I asked him to help me get on a program, and I began to run. Since I had small kids at the time, I ran in a gym on a treadmill for most of the training. As I look back now, I have no idea how I handled that level of monotony. But on the day of the race, I was as ready as I was going to be. As I made it through the race and ran that last mile, I was deeply aware of the ways I had been holding myself back not just in running but in life, and a deep sense of joy set in as I accomplished something I had previously deemed impossible. Crossing the finish line, I was overwhelmed at the goodness that could come from stepping into my fears and listening to the invitation from God to run.

I believe spiritual health can come in all different shapes, colors, and forms. God reveals God鈥檚 self in all things: the smile of a child, the wag of a dog鈥檚 tail, the rising and setting of the sun, the movement of human bodies through time and space, the reading of a good poem, and much, much more. Maybe it鈥檚 only natural to limit our experience or view of God, if for no other reason than we get tired and we look for the ease of paring down the options to a short list of predictable alternatives. And maybe it鈥檚 also natural to need to return or to inject a sense of novelty into the perceived security that comes from having a certain behavioral repertoire. Sometimes we need to slow down and notice; other times (as was the case for me) we need to put on our running shoes and accelerate.

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鈥淚nstructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.鈥�
鈥揗ary Oliver

On January 17, for just a few hours, part of our collective online life seemed to take on a different tone. The usual frenzy was jarred by news of Mary Oliver鈥檚 death, and as word spread it set the Internet afire with grief and gratitude and poetry. Given the storms underway around us and the anxious pace of our discourse, Mary鈥檚 quiet prevalence that day reflects something of how unique she was, how holy the gifts she left us.

In my corner of the Internet, this phenomenon was especially noticeable among my 天美视频 friends and colleagues鈥攂ecause few voices have seeped into the pulse of this community so thoroughly and so generously. Of course, certain writers shape a pivotal moment in particular classes: first-year students often develop a begrudging affection for Martin Buber and his fondness for talking to trees; Harry Middleton鈥檚 gorgeous memoir The Earth Is Enough prompts an assignment with which Dan Allender鈥檚 students are on a first-name basis; in theology classes, many students bond in common conviction and inspiration under the work of James Cone; and Annie Rogers鈥檚 A Shining Affliction is a beloved rite of passage in the Counseling Psychology program.

Fewer writers, though, manage to impact the rhythms and tones of life in our red brick building even when they are not officially assigned in class. And perhaps none have done so with as much resonance as Mary Oliver鈥攁 matriarch of 天美视频 whose words stir somewhere deep in the heart of this place.

With the authority of a voice at home with itself, Mary called us to listen and pay attention. Sometimes her call came as a gentle whisper, and other times it felt more like a slap in the face: look up, at the gray sky you take for granted; look down, at the wet soil knotted with roots; look in, at the self you have forgotten. In a way, she was echoing that other Mary, who teaches us that even the bravado of wise men and the chaos of exile might evoke in us a moment of attentive pondering.

鈥淚n a way, she was echoing that other Mary, who teaches us that even the bravado of wise men and the chaos of exile might evoke in us a moment of attentive pondering.鈥�

But attention itself is not the goal, learning from her long-time partner Molly: 鈥淎ttention without feeling, I began to learn, is only a report. An openness鈥攁n empathy鈥攚as necessary if the attention was to matter.鈥� It鈥檚 why her famous 鈥渋nstructions for living a life鈥� don鈥檛 end at 鈥減ay attention,鈥� though that is the crucial point from which everything else follows. Instead, attention leads to astonishment, and astonishment turns us toward others. It seems that the work of paying attention and opening ourselves to wonder is not complete until it also deepens our capacity for love.

Love, then, is where Mary leads us, and it鈥檚 why the Internet, for just a moment, felt like such a kind place on that sad day. Because so many of us, in one way or another, learned something from Mary about what it means to love. In the profound simplicity of her work, she assured us that love is not resounding gongs and clanging cymbals. In her long, inquisitive walks she proclaimed that presence and attunement are the elements of love, and that those are grown through the repetition and discipline of ritual. And in not shying from grief after her partner鈥檚 death, she reminded us that love can be excruciating and raw鈥攖hat it sometimes comes as a gift in

Mary taught us again and again that love is most fully itself when it is omnidirectional: outward, inward, up, down, around鈥攅ach avenue nourished by and dependent upon the others. If you treat the with impatience and contempt, she seemed to be asking us, how can you hope to love others any differently? If you stop listening to the earth and all that breathes and pulses around you, how can you maintain the intrigue that gives love wings? And if you are not at home in your own self, will you ever be home anywhere else?

Somehow, when Mary鈥檚 work asked big questions or spoke a truth that shot like lightning through our bones, it never felt as if she was lecturing or preaching at us. She offered a small thing well said, a bit like walking on the beach with a friend who stoops to collect a seashell. 鈥淗ere,鈥� she says, dropping it into our palm, 鈥渓ook what I found.鈥� Then she鈥檚 off, continuing her walk and letting us decide what to do with her gift.

That is why she could reach refrigerator-magnet-level prevalence and still feel as if she was speaking directly to you, her reader. When she said, it was both a universal proclamation and the close comfort of a dear friend, offering a cup of tea to bring our anxious frenzy back to the earth. She was both wise teacher and gentle companion.

There are some who were skeptical of this, who believed that Mary鈥檚 presence on Pinterest and postcards must mean her work was somehow less beautiful or important. Her critics often championed the suspicious belief that popularity betrays a work as shallow or false, like the easy pleasure and empty insight you might find on Top 40 radio. But I would argue that Mary鈥檚 widespread resonance was deeper than that. She saw something true of our world and ourselves, and she offered it to us as a free gift鈥攕imply wrapped, shyly given, no strings attached. And we loved her for it.

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