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If you鈥檝e ever worked in ministry or a helping profession鈥攐r any work that requires your full self鈥攜ou know this matters: the rate of burnout is too high, and the cost too steep, to not take seriously the need for resilience. We launched Resilient Leaders Project to help leaders and communities respond to that deep need in the midst of a changing church and fragmented culture.

Kate: 鈥淩esilient Leaders Project is about trying to come alongside leaders in their context to help them construct lives that support their good work, instead of feeling like their lives are at the cost of their work.鈥�

In reflecting on what drew them into this work, Kate and Laura Wade share about their histories with the Church and how they came to believe it could be a space that would welcome them fully and unequivocally, in all of their brokenness and trauma. Because it turns out that it鈥檚 impossible to talk meaningfully about resilience without also talking about trauma.

Kate: 鈥淭here鈥檚 a depth of experience that you must learn to narrate in your own life if you鈥檙e going to integrate the really hard pieces of your life. It鈥檚 not simply bouncing back to the shape that you were before something hard happened, it鈥檚 saying 鈥楬ow did this really difficult situation, this suffering that I went through, actually form me to be in some way more human, more compassionate, and therefore more divine?鈥欌��

鈥淭here鈥檚 a depth of experience that you must learn to narrate in your own life if you鈥檙e going to integrate the really hard pieces of your life.鈥�

Laura Wade: 鈥淩esilience, to me, is finding healing and freedom and voice in the midst of those harmful places, and being able to meet the Spirit and meet God there to be different, to be more of who we are created to be. That鈥檚 the linking of resilience and trauma. I don鈥檛 think you can have resilience without some level of trauma.鈥�

Shauna: 鈥淎nd maybe you can鈥檛 be a human and not have trauma.鈥�

As we gather to reflect together on the trauma of Christ鈥攖he violence, betrayal, death, and resurrection鈥攊n the Church we might also find space to reflect on our own trauma, to lean into a community of others who can help us find language and meaning for that which is beyond words. This is a beautiful hope, that reflecting on the wounds of Christ in community might help us heal from our own wounds, but it is also a risky, vulnerable hope鈥攐ne from which it is all too easy for many leaders to shy away. The rigorous demands and unspoken expectations of leadership often mean that leaders鈥攅specially in church, ministry, and nonprofit settings鈥攁re left feeling as if they cannot disclose experiences of trauma or uncertainty, and like there is not room for them to receive care.

Kate: 鈥淲ounded healer is language that we usually use, but we gloss over the wounded part, which means that we often have healed wounders in those roles.鈥�

鈥淲ounded healer is language that we usually use, but we gloss over the wounded part, which means that we often have healed wounders in those roles.鈥�

Toward the end of the conversation, Kate and Laura Wade share about their experience in the first full year of RLP, inviting leaders into intentional connection, thoughtful reflection, and new practices that create room for their full selves鈥攊ncluding their trauma, doubt, and brokenness鈥攖o be present in their work and relationship. This integrative work is a central part of building resilience, and it is a gift to journey with leaders as they step into that.

Kate: 鈥淢y hope for the Church is that God鈥檚 not done. And it might not look like the church that it looked like in our parents鈥� or grandparents鈥� ages, it might not be focused on Sunday morning worship, but I think God鈥檚 not done in gathering people in a certain type of way. I want to be part of making that happen, and I want to be part of helping resource the creative and courageous people who are stepping into this unknown territory.鈥�

Resources to Go Deeper

• You can learn more about the Resilient Leaders Project鈥攊ncluding our newsletter, upcoming events, and the application process for our next cohort鈥攁t theseattleschool.edu/rlp.
• Kate shares a poem by an anonymous survivor of rape, which reads in its entirety: 鈥淚 can鈥檛 forget what happened, but no one else remembers.鈥� When she was a student at 天美视频, Kate wrote this moving reflection about the installation and about church as a community that remembers and holds.
• Laura Wade recommends a book about integrating the feminine and masculine parts that live in each of us. The book is by Tami Lynn Kent.
• One of the practices Laura Wade mentions that she has returned to because of this work is running. You can read her reflection about how running helps her return to spiritual health in this blog.
• For more on resilience, you can watch Nikkita Oliver鈥檚 stunning talk from our 2018 Humanity Through Community gathering, and you can listen to Nikkita鈥檚 conversation with Shauna Gauthier from an earlier podcast episode.

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Shauna: 鈥淚 want to hone in, in this next season, on dropping down into the topics that have this weightiness to them that have to do with this particular period of time in the world.鈥�

Derek: 鈥淢ore lately, I think of text.soul.culture as being a vehicle of service. So I鈥檓 sure I鈥檒l be asking a lot more questions about serving. […] This season will be around us trying to figure out how do we serve?鈥�

If you鈥檝e listened to past episodes, you鈥檒l notice some differences in Season Three, including changes in production and episode structure. At the end of this episode, Nicole talks with Beau Denton, Content Curator, about some of these updates. We hope these changes reflect continued growth and innovation, while remaining true to our original mission for the text.soul.culture podcast: Grounded in the hope of fostering faithful dialogue, we are guided by a commitment to understanding narrative, wrestling with intersections, resisting reactivity, and fostering radical hospitality.

Beau: 鈥淎s an institution, we prioritize human dialogue. And that鈥檚 so different than one person speaking a monologue or writing a blog on their own. This is about conversation. […] My role here will be kind of an emcee to help facilitate the good work that our hosts are doing.鈥�

Stay tuned in coming weeks as we feature compelling conversations with alumni, faculty, and other thought leaders about living as wise, engaged, and courageous people in times of division and fragmentation. In the meantime, we would love to hear your feedback! If you have questions, responses, or ideas for future conversations, you can email us at communications@theseattleschool.edu.

Resources to Go Deeper

• In Season One, Derek engaged in conversations with Dr. Soong-Chan Rah, Jimmy McGee, Dr. Caprice Hollins, and 天美视频 faculty including Dr. Ron Ruthruff, Dr. Chelle Stearns, Dr. Angela Parker, and Dr. Stephanie Neill. You can catch up on all the episodes from Season One here.
• In Season Two, we introduced occasional 鈥渕inisodes,鈥� short conversations around the building about Lent, 天美视频鈥檚 Artist Residency, and what it means to be heard. We also welcomed Shauna Gauthier as a host and shared 鈥淔rom the Field鈥� episodes with Smruti Desai and Jeremy Dew, and we featured conversations with Nikkita Oliver, Dr. Curt Thompson, Dr. Dwight Friesen, and more. Listen to Season Two here.

text.soul.culture Hosts

Dr. Derek McNeil is the Acting President and Provost at 天美视频. He has a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Northwestern University and an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, and his research, writing, and speaking have focused on issues of ethnic and racial socialization, the role of forgiveness in peacemaking, the identity development of African-American males, and marital intimacy. Learn more about Derek here.

Shauna Gauthier received her MA in Counseling Psychology from 天美视频 in 2010. She previously worked in the Denver Metro area as a therapist and a nonprofit program manager; she also helped launch 天美视频鈥檚 Colorado Alumni Chapter. After returning to Seattle, Shauna now serves as the Alumni Outreach Coordinator. She also enjoys writing and speaking about motherhood, feminism, and faith. Learn more about Shauna here.

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That鈥檚 part of why we seek to foster thoughtful spaces for connection and reflection in our community. We believe something holy and vital happens when we gather in prayer, song, and silence, and when we remember that our individual journeys of formation are intimately connected to each other and to our collective journey. Recently, a group of staff and students initiated a weekly Taiz茅 gathering, an opportunity to gather in a prayerful, liturgical space as a way to help ground each other and re-orient to our work together.

鈥淚n grad school, life can get really busy and hectic,鈥� says Megan Doner, Master of Divinity student and facilitator of the Sacred Space realm of Student Leadership. 鈥淭aiz茅 creates this beautiful space that is doing the work of allowing us to connect with God, allowing us to connect with each other, in such a beautiful form of worship.鈥�

鈥淭aiz茅 creates this beautiful space that is doing the work of allowing us to connect.鈥�

Taiz茅 is named for a monastic community in France known for simple, repetitive songs, reflections, and prayers that express an ecumenical commitment to peace and social justice. The short songs with simple language is designed to welcome a diversity of backgrounds, and the quiet space and repetition allow our bodies to settle more fully in the midst of whatever stress and anxiety we may have arrived with.

In the video above, Heather Barnes (MDiv, 鈥�15), Director of Institutional Support, shares more about the nature of Taiz茅 and why she鈥檚 excited to help bring this rhythm to 天美视频. We also talked more with Megan Doner about why Student Leadership prioritizes fostering intentional space for our community to rest, wrestle, and play together.

鈥淲hen we may not have the words we need to be able to say I鈥檓 sorry, or I鈥檓 curious, or I鈥檓 scared, or I鈥檓 afraid, or that I don鈥檛 know you well enough but is it possible we could move in a new way together?鈥攊f we don鈥檛 have the words, sometimes we can do that together in the room through the music, and let the music hold a lot of the things that we don鈥檛 have the words for,鈥� says Heather.

Additional thanks to those who have helped bring this practice into our space: Rebekah Vickery, Jonathan Coopersmith, Daniel Tidwell, Becca Shirley, Jodi Bagge, Caitlin McDanel. Beginning again on May 7, we will gather for Taiz茅 every Tuesday at 12:15pm in the fourth floor Chapel. Learn more on our event calendar.

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Can you tell us a little about yourself and the work you do?

I鈥檝e been a bi-vocational pastor for 10 years. My wife and I break the mold in that she is the full-time pastor. The work I do, whether it is a non-ministry job, being a stay-at-home dad for a time, or being a pastor, supports her ministry.

What inspired you to write a book about the Trinity?

The Trinity confused me, and I found that nearly all Christians are confused as to who the Trinity is. A lot of churches and even pastors see God as a patriarchal hierarchy, and we justify abusive relationships this way. The truth is that God is an egalitarian community of love.

Why do you think a robust, well-defined view of the Trinity is important?

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I do not believe that Christianity will survive without a robust Trinitarianism. Nor should it. We have absolutely nothing to offer the world except for our God who is love, and who inspires us to love those who are different than us.

All this month on the Intersections blog we鈥檝e been exploring relationships of all forms, grounded in the belief that the enduring need for connection is a core part of how we are created. How do you see the divine relationship informing how we approach relationships with each other?

God is a community of persons, but we often think of God as a lone individual (the Father), and then we think of ourselves as lone individuals. We each bear God鈥檚 image, but we better bear God鈥檚 image together in community. God exists in and through relationship, and so do we.

What鈥檚 your hope for folks who read your book? How do you hope it will add to the ongoing conversation?

Christianity has literally become Godless. We don鈥檛 believe that Jesus and the Spirit are really God, so we don鈥檛 follow Jesus鈥檚 commands to love, and we don鈥檛 believe that the Spirit can transform us into people who give and receive love better. By embracing the Trinity, I hope that we can all rediscover our God who is interpersonal love, and who is present within, beyond, and between us.

Eternity

Imagine a God who exists eternally as a community of three equally divine persons. The relational communion of the three is so perfect that they are one divine being. And this one relational God is love. This love is dynamic鈥攐pen to the other, to giving and receiving. Each divine person exists in and through this love. Each pours their self out sacrificially on behalf of the other two, even as they are filled by the other two. The one constitutes the three, while the three constitutes the one. This is the eternal dance of love.

Creation

Now imagine that God chooses to extend this love beyond Godself, to overflow it into something new. So God creates the universe. In an act of self-limitation and sacrifice, God pulls back to make room for something other than God. The Spirit takes the lead in the eternal dance and hovers over the primordial 鈥渨aters鈥� of this void. The Spirit then pours himself out into the Father and the Son, overflowing the eternal dance of love into creation. Through this self-emptying, the Spirit sends the Father as Creator and gives divine power over our creation to the Son, through whom all things are created. And it was good.

Then God said, 鈥淟et us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness鈥� (Gen. 1:26, emphasis mine). Male and female, individuals created in the image of the one God, yet together created in the image of the communal God who exists through interpersonal relationships. And it was very good. Yet there were bound to be problems for a Creator who is love, for love requires persons who are free to accept or to reject their part in the dance, persons who are free to choose for or against relationship. And so the relational barrier of sin and death infects and separates humanity from God. Yet from eternity the Trinity had chosen a solution to our problem. A solution with a great cost.

Redemption

Imagine that the Father takes the lead in the eternal dance. Reciprocating the work of the Spirit, he pours himself out into the Son and Spirit, the dance of love overflowing. In self-emptying, the Father sends the Son as Redeemer and gives divine power over our redemption to the Spirit. The Son temporarily gives up his divine privileges and becomes fully human. God submits to becoming a part of creation, yet God cannot stop being God. He takes on our fallen humanity鈥攁 humanity that can sin like us鈥攂ut through obedience to the Father and submission to the Spirit, Jesus does not sin like us, making a way for us. In Jesus, God is perfectly represented for us, and the character of God is fully seen in submitted, self-giving, Spirit-empowered life.

God makes space within eternity for humanity, for God and humanity exist perfectly and paradoxically together in the person of Jesus Christ. Now watch how sin and its curse鈥攐ur suffering, alienation, even death itself鈥攊s taken upon Jesus on the cross, causing him to experience a loss of communion with the Father and the Spirit. He feels abandoned. 鈥淲hy have you forsaken me!鈥� he cries, echoing the lament of Psalm 22. Yet Jesus does not reject his humanity鈥攈e knows the Psalm ends in the good and perfect peace between God and us. The Spirit empowers him to be faithful to the end.

God pours Godself out for us, and takes on the consequences of sin and death. As Jesus speaks his last words, he commends his Spirit into the arms of God. And then he takes his last, dying breath. The dance seems to end abruptly. It is hard to imagine. Yet the Father and Spirit do not let go of their beloved, for the being of God cannot be broken. What is the Trinity to do when Jesus dies? What they always do, and had purposed to do all along鈥攖hey dance. God makes space for humanity as Jesus extends the dance straight through sin, suffering, and death.

Jesus never lets humanity go, and Father and Spirit never let Jesus go. Jesus is one with us and one with Father and Spirit. Thus God holds onto us through death itself. The Trinity reaches through the very core of darkness, and there Jesus falls in complete trust into the embrace of Father and Spirit. And the Trinity dances, this time on both sides of the relational barrier, and this dance shatters sin and death, raising Jesus from the dead. And so begins the good and perfect peace of a new creation.

Restoration

Imagine now that the risen Son reciprocates, taking the lead in the eternal dance. All authority in heaven and earth has been given to him, so he pours himself out into the Spirit and the Father, the dance of love overflowing. In doing so he sends the Spirit as our Restorer, who is actively preparing the world for Jesus鈥� return. Jesus waits for the time when all things will be reconciled to God, when he will give all things back to the Father. And the Father, who knows the day of final restoration, works, and waits, and loves.

The powers of evil and death have suffered a mortal blow. We can live through our own suffering and death knowing that like Christ鈥檚, it will end in total victory and reunion with our beloved God. Soon the day will come when time and space will be folded into eternity. For those who say yes to God, the dance draws us in. For in Jesus鈥攚ho holds both divine and human, eternal and temporal, heaven and earth, perfectly and paradoxically together鈥攖he dance has been extended to you and to me. Jesus reaches out his hand and asks you to follow him, desiring you to join this eternal movement of love, or what he simply calls 鈥渆ternal life.鈥�

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It鈥檚 worth remembering, though, that therapists are not the only ones who help foster healing in others by pursuing dynamic, life-giving relationships. Most pastors and chaplains could tell you that, for them, the categories of active listening, attunement, and transformative relationships make up a more-than-full-time job. It is the ministry of presence鈥攁 deep calling to walk with congregants, clients, and neighbors as they wrestle with the risk of connection and live more fully into their own relational identities. Our alumni practicing in their local contexts are a reminder of the vital importance of connection in ministry and the helping professions, and their work and stories are a constant inspiration to us.

(And just in case you hear 鈥渞elationship鈥� and think first and foremost about the particular relationship of marriage, here鈥檚 Emily McBroom鈥檚 [MDiv, 鈥�17] crucial, incisive presentation on )

鈥淢ost pastors and chaplains could tell you that, for them, the categories of active listening, attunement, and transformative relationships make up a more-than-full-time job.鈥�

In Martha Wood鈥檚 (Master of Divinity, 鈥�15) Integrative Project, we鈥檙e reminded that our earliest relationships shape how we develop our identity and style of relating鈥攊ncluding how we relate to God. If our childhood attachments are marked by experiences of abandonment or misattunement, our conceptions of God may feel very much the same. Martha argues, then, that in the work of Spiritual Direction, helping others foster a deeper connection to the divine is intimately connected to the need for healing in their human connections.

As they pursue relational healing that fosters divine connection, spiritual directors, chaplains, and pastors walk with others as they come face-to-face with their experiences of trauma. For her Integrative Project, Jessica Dexter (MA in Theology & Culture, 鈥�18) explored Jessica, who now works as an Associate Chaplain with the Mental Health Chaplaincy, argues that our biggest questions about God should not be written away with easy answers that deny the gravity of trauma. Instead, by wrestling in the midst of community with the pain of trauma and its very real, ongoing effects, we may begin to arrive at a new understanding of the divine.

In this work, it is crucial that ministers and leaders鈥攏ot just therapists鈥攔emember that spiritual health cannot be separated from physical and mental health. To forget that may amount to a form of spiritual neglect, argues Molly Erickson (MATC, 鈥�17) in her powerful Integrative Project about Molly鈥檚 thesis is that 鈥淪ome of the ways the Church responds to people with anxiety and depression can be classified as a form of spiritual abuse or neglect,鈥� ultimately exacerbating symptoms, furthering alienation, and damaging the connection to God. Pastors and leaders who hope to build healthy, generative community, then, must be willing to acknowledge and support the challenges and needs related to mental health. And this requires鈥攁s we鈥檝e said before and we鈥檒l say again and again鈥攐ffering a space in which the work of healing can unfold through the context of relationships.

While time spent in class is a crucial part of learning to offer that space, we know that transformative learning must also occur outside of the classroom, through embodied, day-to-day work with others. Just as the work of healing is intimately connected to human connection, so is the work of learning; it is through relationship that theory becomes practice. That鈥檚 why all of our students being trained for pastoral care, chaplaincy, and ministry leadership are required to participate in immersive field experience outside of our building.

In this video, Dr. Ron Ruthruff shares his dream that our city and world might be a laboratory of learning for students, a place where they are invited and trained to ask beautiful questions about themselves, their communities, and the Church. 鈥淧ractically speaking, that happens by getting students out of the classroom,鈥� says Ron. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 my dream: that we鈥檙e in the world, and that we鈥檙e in real places doing real work.鈥�

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鈥淭here is no one I am more inclined to speak with and learn from about marriage than Steve. His wisdom is astute, and his integrity is as true as his fly line is straight,鈥� writes Dr. Dan Allender, Professor of Counseling Psychology, in the book鈥檚 foreword. 鈥淚f I were to invite someone to read just one marriage book, including my own, I would recommend this volume.鈥�

Today we鈥檙e honored to share a conversation with Steve about what led him to write Reconnect, why disconnection in marriage is so common and so difficult, and his hopes for people who read the book. You can also listen to on The Allender Center Podcast, about the book and the fundamental components of recovering and sustaining connection where it has been lost.

Can you give us an overview of what Reconnect is all about?

This book really is about helping couples become more aware of the various issues that contribute to intermittent and sustained disconnection in their marriage. Reconnect was written to help couples develop new understanding, insight, and strategies to promote deeper connection and healing interaction in their marriage.

Why do you think disconnection is such a common experience in marriage?

Well, I think we each have different desires, hopes, wants, and needs鈥攕o of course this will create and lead to moments of disconnection in marriage. What鈥檚 missing for most marriages, though, is the process of reconnection when disconnection occurs. For most couples, disconnection is a familiar experience that occurs when we feel hurt. And, most often it occurs in the midst of conflict. When we feel hurt, we often withdraw, shut down, isolate ourselves, distract ourselves as a way to cope. Hurt essentially is the foundation of disconnection. And a failure to understand one another in the midst of the hurt is what perpetuates disconnection. Yet when we become aware of the hurt and move toward our spouse鈥檚 hurt without blame or judgement, understanding is cultivated鈥攚hich is the foundation for reconnection.

鈥淲hen we feel hurt, we often withdraw, shut down, isolate ourselves, distract ourselves as a way to cope. Hurt essentially is the foundation of disconnection.鈥�

How did Reconnect grow out of your experience鈥攁s a therapist, a professor, and a husband?

Over the years in my professional work with couples, I was noticing recurrent and common themes and patterns between couples鈥攁nd the central theme was a sense of feeling disconnected. And often, what was missing was how to recover, and essentially pursue reconnection. Most couples, including my marriage with Lisa, are often unaware of the dynamics that disrupt connection and unaware of the destructive effects of hurt, shame, and blame. Couples that are experiencing a sense of disconnection crave to experience reconnection but are often needing a roadmap of sorts to be able to return to one another in a way that facilitates reconnection.

What was the writing process like for you?

The hardest part of the writing process was simply taking the time to write. Writing is a terrifying experience. Writing this book has been one of the most vulnerable and transparent endeavors I have ever pursued. Mainly because I have written stories and reflections from my marriage with Lisa to help illustrate some of the common patterns within disconnection. Writing leaves us open to judgement and evaluation from readers, which is why it took me so long to finally write!

What kept you inspired as you worked through these ideas?

My good friend, colleague, and fly-fishing partner Dan Allender was such an influential and inspiring advocate to write. His persistent and consistent encouragement to put into writing my thoughts, ideas, experiences was absolutely essential in being able to finally write this book. And of course, my wife Lisa. She is such a wise, thoughtful, and insightful woman and has really helped shape and craft much of the understanding and clarity within the book.

What are your hopes for people who read this?

My hope is that couples will learn how to stay connected, especially in moments of conflict; that they will discover how shame is such a force in disconnection; that intimacy will be cultivated through their play with one another; and that they will discover insights, tools, and techniques that will help couples navigate the hopeful path toward reconnection.

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Amidst cultural messages about romance, dating, and marriage, singleness is often relegated to the sidelines. Or, in efforts to wield power and control, it is turned into a trope鈥攁 caricature onto which our society can project fears and assumptions and stereotypes. In her capstone Integrative Project, Kellye Kuh (MA in Theology & Culture, 鈥�18) dove into this reality through the particular experience of the single white woman, exploring what underlies the objectification of singleness and how we can begin to change it.

鈥淥n a regular basis, I don鈥檛 want to be too excited or too sad or too happy鈥擨 definitely don鈥檛 want to be too affectionate, and I don鈥檛 want to be too wild, because there are stereotypes about people like me and I don鈥檛 want to fulfill them.鈥�

Kellye shares how this project grew out of her experience 鈥渕anaging the stigma of being a white single woman every day,鈥� cautious of how she interacts with others and constantly aware of what she wears, whom she sits next to, and how she acts and speaks. Kellye clarifies that, while many of these dynamics also affect single women of color in profound and unique ways, due to the scope of Kellye鈥檚 project, the availability of existing research, and the uniquely particular experiences of intersecting identities, she is speaking primarily to the experience of white single women.

鈥淭he single white woman鈥攑eople are afraid of her. And as a result they objectify her.鈥�

After tracing a brief history of the ideals and expectations placed on white women in the United States鈥攊ncluding the prioritization of heterosexual coupledom and the near deification of the family鈥擪ellye discusses how stereotypes are used to channel fear by turning a person into an object, something that we can handle and use. Her project zeroes in on the label of one particular stereotype: the 鈥渂asic bitch.鈥�

鈥淚f singleness is considered lesser than in today鈥檚 society, and if being female is considered lesser than, then why are people afraid and why are they calling me names?鈥�

You鈥檙e probably familiar with the caricature the label refers to鈥攖he white woman who loves Starbucks, wears yoga pants, watches Sex and the City and The Bachelor, has no opinions of her own, and is obsessed with finding partnership. Kellye argues that this stereotype was formed by the fear of two particular values: mystery and eroticism. Our culture often does not know how to handle either, so a caricature is created that is stripped of all eroticism and lacks any mystery whatsoever. 鈥淭he 鈥榖asic鈥� woman is simple,鈥� says Kellye. 鈥淭here鈥檚 nothing about her I do not know, and that makes me feel better.鈥�

Kellye鈥檚 final thoughts cut to the heart of this issue, and she leaves us with questions that might open us to meaningful, life-giving work:

鈥淲hat is so scary about being mysterious, and what is so scary about being erotic? And how do you individually express your mystery? Because the way I see it is, if we can each express our mystery, then if someone else feels mysterious, it probably won鈥檛 be so scary anymore. And the same with eroticism: how do you individually own and express this eroticism on a daily basis?鈥�

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Counselors are good at relationships, or so they say. As folklore would have it, counselors are the 鈥渒nowers鈥� of all things relational and, therefore, can and should be 鈥渕asters鈥� when it comes to their own personal relationships. But is this really the case?

As a counselor, I thought I was good at relationship until I met and married my wife, who is also a counselor. Together, she and I quickly learned that, although we were each quite good at the craft of counseling, neither of us was all that good at establishing intimacy in our personal relationship. Our clinical training had taught us to rely on (if not hide behind) the role of counselor to find stability in the shifting sands of relationship building and maintenance. We had been taught to counsel rather than to relate. Ultimately, I would argue that this is true for far too many counselors.

Within our Western culture, taking on the post of counselor proffers one a certain amount of power, intended or unintended. One such mantle of power pertains to that counselor鈥檚 hermeneutic, or the lens through which that counselor sees the world. Just as lenses can come in various forms of tint, so too can hermeneutics be informed by a vast array of contributants. For many counselors, our entry into the field was informed by a quest to heal a past hurt. As counselors, we鈥檝e entered a profession that gives us access to the hurts of others and allows (even requires) us to focus on or name the 鈥渟tuff鈥� of others. What is more, our profession can grant us a certain measure of (therapeutic) distance in relationships, wherein we can give without necessarily receiving. Add this all together and it is apparent why our relational sight can be encumbered by the tint of our profession-endorsed hermeneutics.

Can you relate? If so, I think you鈥攍ike me and like many other counselors throughout the profession鈥攁re susceptible to a hermeneutic or relational stance that might be prohibitive to the intimacy we seek with the ones we love outside of our counseling offices. It is here that I see Western culture and its introjects informing the images of 鈥渃ounselor鈥� that reside in each of us.

We as counselors end up holding the mixed bag of messages that our culture affords. We sit in and with dissonance. At times we feel great about ourselves and the work we do. At other times it seems as if we鈥檙e a receptacle for others to use for their refuse. And so it goes that we bring said dissonance into our personal relationships, trying to get a handle on who we are and how we are to operate in and through these relationships.

What a mess! We can leave our counseling offices and expect to find the same level of acknowledgment at home. When our partners or our children don鈥檛 hang on our every word like our clients seem to, we begin to think our family members are the ones with the problem (how could they be so ungrateful?). Or when our partners begin to question us, we may find ourselves prone to interpreting their apparently exhibited defense mechanisms, loading our relational cannons to shoot down the perceived threat that our relational partners represent to us. In this, we learn to use our skills to hide and defend.

Moreover, counselors can become quite sophisticated in terms of their defensive relational frameworks. Our professional training can keep us entrenched in seeing the patterns of thought and behaviors in others (鈥淵ou seem to do this鈥� or 鈥淵ou seem to think that鈥�). Having been handed the constructs of transference and countertransference, it becomes hard not to see our partners as just one more person looking to work out their own unfinished business on us and our tabula-rasa backs. In other words, we can stop seeing our partners for who they are and begin responding to them and their behaviors as though they are clients coming to us for 鈥渃are.鈥�

I find it remarkable that although I鈥檝e been practicing and teaching counseling for well over a decade, it is still surprisingly hard at times for me to be open with my wife about what I am feeling. As a counselor, I have become a wordsmith, and I have become very effective at hiding behind my words when I want to. I can add a proviso such as 鈥淚t seems like 鈥︹�� or 鈥淚t feels like 鈥︹�� to my sentences to lambast a loved one or to take inventory of them in a way that is ultimately uncaring.

鈥淎lthough I鈥檝e been practicing and teaching counseling for well over a decade, it is still surprisingly hard at times for me to be open with my wife about what I am feeling.鈥�

In his text Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that a phrase such as 鈥淚 feel like鈥� doesn鈥檛 actually serve as an indicator for a feeling to follow. Such a phrase can be duplicitous in that feelings don鈥檛 need warm-up phrases. Hence, a statement made with an opening qualifier ends up being nothing more than an intrusion on my relational partner鈥檚 boundaries.

To this end, I would call myself a recovering codependent. In fact, many of the counselors I know would fit that category, regardless of whether they espouse such a descriptor. Our profession is one supposedly steeped with boundaries. If clients transgress and cross a boundary, they are called on it, whereas if counselors do so, it is often seen as therapeutic.

For instance, when was the last time you named something in your client? Did you do so with humility and a willingness to be wrong, or was your pronouncement emphatic and delivered with a triumphant edge? If the latter strikes a chord with you as it does for me, then I think we run the risk of taking this type of energy or engagement into relationship with those we love. With our partners, children, friends and other loved ones, we can make pronouncements that we think should garner applause and usher in healing and growth. And I鈥檒l say again, when this doesn鈥檛 happen, we鈥檝e been taught to view this dynamic as the other being full of resistance.

Ultimately, I鈥檓 trying to speak to my belief that we鈥檝e been set up to fail relationally. So what is a counselor to do? I believe our skills and our attempts at containment, which can seem to get us somewhere in the office, are the very things that can dismantle our interactions with loved ones. We鈥檝e been left with a tool kit of really expensive gadgets that oftentimes have little pertinence to our needed relational repairs. And here鈥檚 the kicker: We think we should know better.

I can鈥檛 tell you how many times I鈥檝e had the following thoughts when interacting with someone in my personal life: 鈥淚 should know how to handle this鈥� or 鈥淚 should know what to do here.鈥� I mean, after all, I am a counselor, right? Aren鈥檛 counselors supposed to know how to handle complex relational moments?

I think Carl Rogers was on to something when he claimed it is the personal that is most general (脿 la On Becoming a Person). A dilemma I face as a person is that I don鈥檛 often grant myself the luxury of being just that鈥攁 person. No, I think because of the work that I do or the degrees on my wall that I should have it all figured out and should offer pristine love and encouragement to all who come in contact with me. When I am unable to fit this bill, I take it out on myself and cower in shame. I choose to disengage rather than staying present in the moment. I retreat, look for cover and hope for a moment wherein I can get back on solid ground.

A helpful reminder: Maybe there is no such thing as solid ground in relationship. Maybe that鈥檚 the point of relationship. You鈥檝e probably heard it said that someone can have enough information about something to be dangerous. I think this is true for many counselors and therapists in their personal relationships. We鈥檝e been given diagnostic and interpretive categories, therapeutic skills to hone and a professional frame in which to hold it all. When push comes to shove, however, very little of this plays outside of the counseling office. Outside of my office, I am faced with the same personal struggles that my clients face: to engage openly and honestly with the people I love.

鈥淥utside of my office, I am faced with the same personal struggles that my clients face: to engage openly and honestly with the people I love.鈥�

So what鈥檚 the take-home message here? Don鈥檛 assume your clinical training will serve as an asset in your personal relationships. In fact, anticipate that it might act as a liability at points. Listen to yourself talk, and allow your use of language to inform you of your more deep-seated, hermeneutical leanings. Practice receiving care from others, especially from those who know and love you best. Ask for feedback; our places of work should not be the only avenues by which we engage in 鈥減erformance review鈥� processes. Seek out entitlement and/or power-laden energies in the ways you carry yourself both personally and professionally, and allow that voice of entitlement lodged within or the power plays you display to point you toward unmet needs of your own that are very much worth stewarding.

And above all, let鈥檚 stop taking ourselves so seriously. If we render ourselves 鈥渒nowers鈥� of the human condition who 鈥渟hould鈥� know what to do, say, think, or feel when it comes to our personal relationships, I believe we exponentiate the likelihood that we will promulgate loneliness in those relationships. Let鈥檚 allow ourselves to be who we are and where we are and be willing to chuckle at our foibles, our failures, and our good-intentioned but ill-advised attempts to get our own needs met. In so doing, we might just become better lovers.

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Grounded Theory Analysis allows the researcher to search for a central explanatory concept or core category which is intended to capture the essence of what has been studied. In this study, I could not escape an overwhelming concept that kept pushing to be named. I was reluctant to name it, because it is too human, and I was afraid it would sound too 鈥渟oft鈥� for research. But it refused to not be recognized. And it is this鈥攚hat lies at the heart of a psychoanalytic treatment is love.

It came up in three ways. First, interviewees stated it directly by simply saying, 鈥淚 love my patients.鈥� Second, I found myself 鈥渓oving鈥� my interviewees as I was 鈥渃aught up鈥� in how they expressed themselves with so much joy, care, and compassion for their patients. I found myself 鈥渢ouched鈥� by the intimacy that evolved in their work as they risked themselves emotionally and intellectually, wholeheartedly engaging the analytic process. Third, love came to be defined by the very kind of relationship analysts provide鈥攁 relationship that requires of themselves honesty and risk-taking, a deep immersion in the affective lives of the other, and a devotion to scrutinize non-defensively their own selves in an attempt to understand, feel, and grasp the internal and interpersonal world of another. The analyst is willing to resist the urge for self-protection, surrender certainty, and engage in the inevitable conflicts, misrecognitions, and ruptures, and to stay in the conflict until it is worked through. The analyst鈥檚 relentless 鈥渆thic of honesty鈥濃�攁 Freudian technique that Freud believed an essential requirement in the patient鈥攊s now valued by these relational analysts as a requirement also in themselves. It is this honesty that births an unusual authenticity rarely found in human relations, and the primary factor that engenders change and transformation in our patients鈥� lives.

As I vetted this study, I discovered that some analysts were uncomfortable with the word 鈥渓ove鈥� and some even stated that they didn鈥檛 love all of their patients, giving me pause to reconsider love as a core category. So how did it get included? First, it was in the data. Second, just as this research study was developed from a student pushing for clearer practices, it was also a student who encouraged me to include it. Students were aware of the research I was conducting, and many even participated in the literature review for the study. I told them about this thing called love, and that it was controversial. There was a student who had been in the class for two semesters and who had said little to nothing the entire time. I sensed his engagement, but was often curious about his silence. Now, at the end of the semester, having said our goodbyes, he approached me and quite intensely said: 鈥淒on鈥檛 ever shy away from love…You have brought it, you have lived it, I have bought it, and I believe it…And now, as a new practitioner, I have seen it. Don鈥檛 ever give up on love.鈥�

It should be made clear that we don鈥檛 鈥渄ecide鈥� to love a patient, and in fact, if love is in the air, we know that negative affective states are not far behind (and perhaps vice versa). However, isn鈥檛 the very tangle of the therapeutic relationship, where we experience the intensity of the full range of emotions, including love and hate, not some form of love?¹

He was handsome, confident, articulate, immediately fluid and charming in our interaction, eyeing me to see if I could be of any use to him. Socially sophisticated and gentle in his approach, I was quickly introduced to the intricacies of his life-drama and felt as though I was being auditioned to see if I would become critic or admirer. I sensed he wanted help, but he did not want to be revealed. He wanted to be seen, but not if it meant I might perceive him in any negative way. I was invited in to assist him in his difficulties in living as long as I did not disrupt the fragile persona that he had developed over his 40-plus years. We approached each other tentatively鈥攕keptics, if you will, wondering if we would find authenticity in the other or if we would part left with yet another false encounter. Yet we both stayed. Over time skepticism was replaced with trust and our lives enriched by the other.

Therapy is a profound relational experience that conjures up a myriad of emotion. I can easily report that I love my patients, and I respect their courage and willingness to enter the difficult work of therapy, but often I am caught off guard in that these are not merely words out of a textbook about empathy or unconditional positive regard, but are deeply held feelings that are alive within me.

鈥淭hese are not merely words out of a textbook about empathy or unconditional positive regard, but are deeply held feelings that are alive within me.鈥�

Such was the case for me with this man when I sensed something well up inside me and discovered that I felt a deep and abiding love for him. This love was not simply 鈥減rofessional,鈥� but was the kind of love that I feel for those I know best: love as a sensation not a concept. I felt excited, desirous, hopeful, emotional, and eager. I felt awe, the feeling of love that says, 鈥渢his is good.鈥�

I found myself disturbed by this love. Yet I also wanted to revel in it.

I was disturbed because I wondered if, in loving, had I lost my objectivity? Had I lost my way with him in such a way that I could no longer assist him in understanding himself? I was left asking, 鈥淐an I love him and be objective? And can I not love him and be objective?鈥�

As I sat with these feelings of love, I must admit I found myself less clinical in this session, less judgmental of his lapses of 鈥渕ental health,鈥� less energetic to go after his 鈥渦nderlying pathology.鈥� I felt a sense of celebration about the life that we had together so far. I was moved by how he was emerging from being a user and a manipulator of persons, to a lover of people. He was becoming a person who was discovering enough of himself that he was less driven to manipulate sex, women, and others to fulfill his needs. He was getting well. His work had been admirable. I was proud of him. There was cause for celebration.

I am acutely aware at moments like these that I may, in fact, be colluding with patients rather than interpreting underlying patterns of behavior. But this was not what I was experiencing at that moment. His earlier, more manipulative and hurtful way of relating had been tempered with genuine love. I felt his expression of love and, because I felt its genuineness, I too was moved to love.

I believe that my work with patients requires me to analyze and integrate the negative aspects of our relatedness. At the same time, I need to experience and celebrate with patients the lovingness that exists in each of us and often cannot find voice. The task before us, then, is how to connect with, surrender to, love, and be loved by our patients.

We all want to be loved, of course, but we often seek love in ways that it cannot be found. Almost always love is replaced with the need to be admired, taken care of, or desired鈥攁lmost anything except to be seen and known honestly for our real selves. And yet we 鈥渒now鈥� that when we are least defended, and when our more real self announces itself, then the Real (God) can be and is revealed. If we believe that God took human form in Christ Jesus, and that through the incarnation we are Christ to one another, then God鈥檚 own love comes concretely into our midst through our interpersonal interactions.

鈥淲e all want to be loved, of course, but we often seek love in ways that it cannot be found.鈥�

In this moment with my patient, I was reminded that shared knowing lies at the heart of fulfilled love; 鈥淔or now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known鈥� (1 Cor. 13:12). On that day, love shone through. We were face-to-face and, although we did, and will, and do experience many other emotions, on that day love let me see not only the darkness but also the Light. And he saw it too. The news that I heard was the news of love, the news of a self that had long been neglected, that had not been able to give voice. I loved the loved, and the Beloved was with us. And we were both changed.²

¹Excerpted from , Edited by Roy E. Barsness for the Relational Perspectives Book Series. New York, NY: Routledge, 2018.

²Excerpted from 鈥淗onor, Wonder, Awe and Love: Sacred Moments in Relationship with Clients鈥� by Wayne T. Aoki, Roy Barsness, and Sam B. Leong, in Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 2001, Vol. 20, No. 1, 80-84.

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