This month we鈥檝e wrestled with how we talk about addiction and how we relate to our bodies鈥攅specially this time of year, when the weight of expectations and the frustration of living as people-in-process can feel so prevalent. And if we are honestly engaging addiction and our bodies, the conversation will inevitably turn to sexual behavior. How do we honor the complexity of sexuality, especially in regards to behavior that is problematic or unfulfilling, without turning to old patterns of shame or empty indulgence?

In this video from his Symposia 2018 presentation, 鈥淲hat Our Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About Us: Research from 3,800 People,鈥� Jay Stringer (MA in Counseling Psychology, 鈥�09) argues that opposing extremes of this conversation鈥攍ike the predominant Christian narrative of accountability and 鈥渏ust say no鈥� to lust, or a more sex-positive approach that ignores the possibility of harm and fails to find meaning in unwanted sexual behavior鈥攐nly serve to deepen the sense of shame for people who desire to change certain patterns.

鈥淚f we are willing to listen, our sexual life will have so much to teach us.鈥�

Jay, a licensed mental health therapist and ordained minister, proposes a new paradigm instead: listening to your lust. That鈥檚 at the core of Jay鈥檚 book, , which invites women and men to find meaning in the behaviors they pursue and to explore the stories that have shaped those behaviors. Jay argues that, whether we make lust the 鈥渂ad object鈥� or insist that sexual stigma is the primary enemy, we will fail to see meaningful change until we approach our behaviors with curiosity and enter our unaddressed stories.

Unwanted details the research that Jay conducted with 3,800 men and women, which draws connections between formative stories and enduring, present-day behaviors. Through the lens of two case studies, Jay shares some of the insights from that research鈥攍ike the possible connection between strict fathers and fantasies of dominance, and the ways that childhood humiliation might play out in secretive behaviors as adults. 鈥淲hat I can tell you from the data is that unwanted sexual behavior鈥攖he use of pornography, infidelity, and buying sex鈥攊s not random at all,鈥� says Jay. 鈥淚t is a direct reflection of the parts of our story that remain unaddressed.鈥�

Jay challenges us to stop pretending that unwanted behaviors don鈥檛 exist, and to stop believing that we can just silence them and make them go away. Instead, Jay invites us to listen to and study our behaviors, allowing them to serve as a 鈥渞oadmap to healing.鈥� If we allow them, our 鈥渟ymptoms鈥� may even prove to be prophetic鈥攄aring to say that which we could not otherwise say.

In that act of listening to our fantasies and telling our stories, Jay argues that we might be closer than ever to living into what the Apostle Paul describes as . 鈥淎nd renewing our mind is not about turning off our mind. It鈥檚 about turning to the affections and desires that God most deeply wants for us.鈥�

We are endlessly challenged, inspired, and energized by the courageous and thoughtful work of our alumni, like Jay Stringer. You can view all the Symposia 2018 presentation videos .

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